Social Phobia FrustrationsSocial Phobia is the driving factor behind nearly every frustration I have ever had in my entire life. I excel at pretty much everything else that I've wanted or needed to do. I've always been a good student and a hard worker. I've always been responsible and gotten things done on time. However the second you introduce another person into the picture things go downhill real fast.
Every time I walk into a store, make a phone call or walk into work social phobia rears its ugly and merciless head. The anxiety I feel in those situations is pervasive enough to make them uncomfortable but not enough to cause me to avoid them completely. Nonetheless the fact that I feel so uncomfortable doing things that other people do without even thinking ****** me off to no end. It's absolutely ridiculous that every time I walk into a Stop&Shop to buy something, whatever it may be, it becomes an anxiety filled ordeal.
However its not the anxiety that I get when walking into the store that causes me the most frustration. What causes me the most frustration is Social Phobia's ability to ruin every party, activity and potential relationship that seems to come my way. What ****** me off, is that going to a party is more terrifying than a rabid dog charging my way, that talking to a member of the opposite sex is more stressful than studying for a difficult exam and that actually forming a relationship and going on a date is more elusive than the Yeti.
Yet the fact that such things occur is not what causes me to go into a furious rage , what drives me to the brink of insanity is the knowledge that things don't actually have to be this way. That all my problems, all my anxieties, all my difficulties with dating and all the time I waste in my dorm room pissed off on how I can't enjoy college which, as every one of my damned relative makes a point of reminding me, is meant to be the best year of my life are all caused by me and that I should logically be able to stop all these problems dead in their tracks.
It is the knowledge that I could cure myself in a second if I could just think differently or "man up" or "stop acting like a *****" or whatever other variation of that idea that has been throw, that drives me insane. I realize that I can't change thought patterns that are rooted so deep within the confounds of my mind overnight, or in a week, or in a month or even a year. I understand that it takes time, but what drives me crazy is that I've lost so much time already to this monster. I lost my entire high school years, I didn't go to prom, or parties, or even talk to about 99% of the people in my grade because of how terrified I was of them. Now every day feels like another day lost, another opportunity squandered, another possibility destroyed.
Yet out of this hell hole there has been a ray of light. Social Anxiety helped me find the career I wished to pursue, which is a career as a lawyer. Yet I'd be lying if I said that such a choice doesn't make me nervous. While I can honestly say that there are few things that I enjoy more than cross-examining a witness and delivering an opening statement, I must admit that social anxiety makes these things difficult to do.
I guess what it all comes down to is raw fear. It comes down to the fear that these feelings will never go away, and to even imagine such a life causes me to feel afraid in the deepest parts of my body. It's a future that I'm terrified of, a future that I will try to avoid with every fiber of my being.