Knowing That I'm Being Irrational Doesn't Help Me One Bit..Hi guys..
This is my first post here. I've been lingering around reading forums on social anxiety whenever I feel like I've just been bulldozed by this state of paralyzing fear.
I wanted to share what'd happened to me today. I still feel sluggish from the upset feelings that I had just experience. It's almost like I'm in a daze.
Tomorrow is my sister's graduation day. I didn't plan to go but last week my mom asked for me to accompany her coz she said she'd be lonesome there. I wasn't thrilled but I said okay, yeah. But I told her that we have to head back home straight after the ceremony. I wasn't keen on staying around socializing.
Today, even though I wasn't thrilled, I coaxed myself to be in a good mood. Even took the time to plan what I was going to wear for tomorrow. I wanted to look nice. Mom even helped me with my wardrobe.
We were in the car when she told me that after the graduation ceremony, there would be a tea party or something and that sis was planning to spend some time during that period.
I got tensed and said that I did't want to have tea there and that we ought to have lunch some place else. And mom said we were going to just hang around at a relative's place after that. Things started to go down south after that.
I was so upset about it that my mom was spooked that I was that upset, so she decided that she would go by herself. But you could tell, that she'd love to have someone to keep her company. I'm saddened that I could not even do this little thing!
I am still upset now. I wanted to accompany my mom to this event, not because of the silly graduation thing. I just thought it'd be nice you know. And because I couldn't control what other people were planning after the ceremony, I just lost all the confidence I had been building up since last week.
I wanted to bawl like a baby but instead I pulled myself together and swallowed my anxiety in.
I'm profoundly disturbed that no matter how rational I can appear to be in other aspects of my life, I am reduced to simply this, right now.
greenies 26-30, F 2 Responses 0 Oct 8, 2012