Knowing That I'm Being Irrational Doesn't Help Me One Bit..

Hi guys..

This is my first post here. I've been lingering around reading forums on social anxiety whenever I feel like I've just been bulldozed by this state of paralyzing fear.

I wanted to share what'd happened to me today. I still feel sluggish from the upset feelings that I had just experience. It's almost like I'm in a daze.

Tomorrow is my sister's graduation day. I didn't plan to go but last week my mom asked for me to accompany her coz she said she'd be lonesome there. I wasn't thrilled but I said okay, yeah. But I told her that we have to head back home straight after the ceremony. I wasn't keen on staying around socializing.

Today, even though I wasn't thrilled, I coaxed myself to be in a good mood. Even took the time to plan what I was going to wear for tomorrow. I wanted to look nice. Mom even helped me with my wardrobe.

We were in the car when she told me that after the graduation ceremony, there would be a tea party or something and that sis was planning to spend some time during that period.

I got tensed and said that I did't want to have tea there and that we ought to have lunch some place else. And mom said we were going to just hang around at a relative's place after that. Things started to go down south after that.

I was so upset about it that my mom was spooked that I was that upset, so she decided that she would go by herself. But you could tell, that she'd love to have someone to keep her company. I'm saddened that I could not even do this little thing!

I am still upset now. I wanted to accompany my mom to this event, not because of the silly graduation thing. I just thought it'd be nice you know. And because I couldn't control what other people were planning after the ceremony, I just lost all the confidence I had been building up since last week.
I wanted to bawl like a baby but instead I pulled myself together and swallowed my anxiety in.

I'm profoundly disturbed that no matter how rational I can appear to be in other aspects of my life, I am reduced to simply this, right now.

greenies greenies
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 8, 2012

I know how that feels. I have social phobia too, and the fact that knowing your fear is irrational doesnt change anything sucks. Maybe sometimes to cope we need to be a little less sensitive to the needs of others and focus on our own. I know you wanted to be there for your mother and that you wanted to be supportive but if you couldn't doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's different than actually choosing not to be there.

Thank you Glasir. You are right about coping by being a little less sensitive to the needs of others. I can see that in my interactions, I always want to be accommodating to other people's needs that I get so overwhelmed and feel guilty if I somehow am not able to please them. I know I'm not a bad person, but it's hard not to feel bad inside whenever I feel intensely bothered by my anxiety. I start to think from other people's point of views and feel like a failure. By myself, I am actually quite alright. It's just that I get in a tangle when I compare myself to other more socially-out-there people.

do you mind if I ask what brought all this on? Like yourself, I want to be in control of the environment I am in, and it sometimes freaks me when I can't.( like riding in the passenger with a crazy driver) Trust when I tell you there is enough to feel bad on yourself about without taking on this one.

Can you not make plans with mom and sis to have an outing together where you will feel more in charge? Say A movie matinee day with lunch thrown in along the way? Or maybe you just want validity, as most females like to be heard. Being a guy, we seem to be goal oriented to "fix things"...

I suffer anxiety as well. I don't do crowds and loud noise events. I go to the gym when it is desolate, and no one is there. I no longer work but took disability retirement, so I am home all the time it seems.

Those who love and know you will understand what is going on with you and that you are going thru something right now. Those that don't really do not matter anyway,. Wish you the best

~ Journegan

Thank you for your feedback, Journegan. Really appreciated it. You asked me what brought this on. I have some sort of anxiety issues when it comes to being social. It's not that I can't make myself go through it, I could, but it's exhausting. I've never gone to a graduation type of event or any other social event for that matter. It's my first I guess I wanted to try and attend and see if I could do it.

But I set my limits to just attending it and then going back straight after that. Of course, the graduation ceremony isn't about me. Once my mom told me that we'd be spending further time socially, I got really upset as it's not what I wanted to do.

I know it's selfish and I feel awful. You're right I shouldn't be focusing on this one thing and blowing it out of proportions. Oh and btw, since I live with my mom so we do go out often and my SA is not so bad when it's just strangers that I have to interact with. I'm mostly polite.

Thank you again for your reply. :)