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Miserable Person

So I've been having social phobia throughout my life now. It began in kindergarten. I don't remember ever talking to no one! Although I saw other kids talk and whenever they talked to me, I never seemed to response. I was in elementary school by 2000. When I was in second grade is when my teachers started telling my mom that I don't talk at all in class that I didn't participate at all. So I had a counselor there. ( dont really remember much because I was little) what I remembered is that if my mom didnt come and pick me up after school , I would immediately start crying ( sometimes she was late because she was so drawn to finishing up chores at home) . But then we moved to Mexico so my parents would marry. I changed schools in 3 rd grade. I was always the quietest one and kids would hate for that. One day I overheard one girl saying," I hate her because she doesn't talk." They would ask " why are you so quiet?" And like always I would never respond. I didn't do it on purpose it's just that I couldn't. ( now I know I had selectively mutism) I would isolate myself from kids I just had one friend or two throughout elementary. No one talked to me, I didn't talk to them. On Valentines day in 3 rd grade, as kids were passing out valentines cards, I heard one of the kids say " I'm going to erase her name and give it to the teacher instead". That kind of hurted. No one liked me! Always silent all day at school until I got home its when I felt comfortable talking to my family. Middle school came ,the same. On 7th grade, it's when I had my first panick attack while I was in the girls locker room getting dressed up from PE. It stopped after a month I guess(?). I had no friends in 7 or 8 grade. I would hide in the bathroom for the whole lunch and nutrition after the panick attack! But then it stopped. It was so embarrassing because I had a brother going to the same school at the time! I thought he would wonder how weird I am. I worried if people would see me! I just wasn't comfortable around the lunch area, where the whole school would be at. I went to HS. Same with me always quiet. I got another panick attack where I was sweating , blushing! I thought everyone was staring at me! I hated when people would look at me from all corners of the classroom! I just wanted to run away and never look back!! After, I kept on blushing every single day and worrying if people would notice! That's one of the reasons why I changed schools. 10 grade, new school, everyone hated my guts! Idk why! 11 th grade new school because it was smaller ( thought it would be better) in that school is when I began opening to people. I started talking little by little ( or so I thought) . But something I didn't expect happened! I wasn't accepted by people! They thought I was weird once again! They thought I was crazy just trying to laugh and talk ! One of my classmates bullied me! A lot of kids didnt like me! Some did but very little! One of them would call me " hunchback goblin" I would tell him to STFU!! Most would run away from me they told me I was annoying! So senior year I stayed all by myself . Once in a while talking to this dude who was also weird. I would be in my art class trying to improve my grade! But yeah I graduated!! So yeah basically I'm saying that when I stay mute people dislike me! Same by just talking or being myself they dislike me!! I hate people! And now I suffer from severe low self esteem!!!! And I mean image self esteem!!!
Forgotten000ghosts Forgotten000ghosts 18-21 2 Responses Feb 13, 2013

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This story was really heart breaking for me to read. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to go through all that. Wait before I start, can I give you a hug?|? *HUGS TIGHTLY* :)

Being misunderstood is a horrible feeling, and you were misunderstood for a long time. I really hope that you don't give up on people altogether just because in the past they were to ignorant and dumb to understand how you are different. And there is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing wrong with being unique.

The thing is, the way people don't want to talk to shy people some time, that rarely has anything to do with the individual shy person. Please do not take it personally!!! Try putting yourself in another persons point of view, "This girl is not opening up like everyone else, that must mean that she doesn't want to talk to me, that must mean because she doesn't like me so I should just leave her alone", "Since she likes doing ___ i guess she would rather do ___ than be around me". Yes, they can be dead wrong, but that's how many people think of shy people. These people aren't always horrible people, sometimes they are just really misinformed and don't know better!

You have to just move on to the next chapter of your life. You graduated! That's the most important part. Forget the rest, all of it. You graduated, your starting fresh, things will get much better and you will meet much better people, wait and see. If you ever need a friend to talk to, please feel free to leave me a msg anytime :)

Thank you so much for being understanding of me.

Hey, no problem! Anytime :)

Hi ! :) Thank you for writing your story,it got me right in the heart. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you living with selective mutism. I'm sure you have much to say and will make some friends here too-everyone here knows they are weirdos so you are in good company ;)

Yeah you're welcome! I think selective mutism later turned to social phobia! I have some other personal issues! I'm just trying to survive this f*** world!! Thanks !