I think it all started when I started school. I always had issues trying to make friends. I went from school to school without being able to make friends with the exception of one school. I was able to make lots of friends after I beat up some guy in my class. Then the next year I changed schools again.
The first two years of high school were torture for me. I cut my hair short so everyone called me a dyke. The guys at school used to call me "Shamu" and tell me to go back to Sea World because I was a little bit on the heavy side.
Grades eleven and twelve weren't so bad because I found my niche as the funky-colored hair, law-breaking, authority-bucking person in school. Everyone knew who I was, and to some aspect, they respected me.
Shortly after I graduated things started to go downhill. I hate phones. Calling someone usually takes me three hours of pep talk if I'm actually able to make the call. Sometimes I have to get someone else to do it for me. I can't make my own friends. I have to leech off of the friend's of others. I can't handle being in a public place such as a bar by myself because I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking I'm a loser for being by myself.
Family functions are pure torture because I can't start or keep a conversation going. Something as simple as saying 'hi' to someone is practically impossible. When I do manage to do it, I feel like an idiot for saying it. I'm afraid to ask for help from one of them because I feel as though I'm inconveniencing them. I usually only speak when spoken to. I feel that if people wanted to talk to me, they would.
I moved away to go to school this year. That's been pure hell. I find myself alone in my room every night. I can't seem to work up the courage to introduce myself to other people. I don't even have anyone there whose friends I can leech off of. Group projects and oral presentations are like torture to me. Just the thought of having to find a group or a partner just makes me go nuts inside.
This blows. I cry myself to sleep at night because I want to be normal so badly.