The Ending

I opened my eyes and I died. 

I had listened intently to the Doctor who had no name and a face I still can't remember. "We don't know what is wrong, Ma'am. We know that you are dying. You have maybe six months, a year. I'd waited for the door to close behind him before opening my eyes and allowing myself to cry. I was here alone, so I could allow myself to succumb to the grief, fear. 

I took my time redressing and filling out paperwork. My fingers shook and I felt jumpy and out of sorts, numb.  I walked out of the offices and straight to my car. I can not tell you how long I sat there. I don't remember the drive home.  I put on my game face when I walked in the door. I had not told anyone about the appointment and had not told anyone how badly I was feeling.  I regret that now.

We had seven children at the time, they were the moon and the sun to us.  Five of them were not ours by birth, their mother and I had discussed her regaining custody, I had been waffling on it for months. I did not want to give up MY babies. Suddenly I saw myself as selfish. They deserved the chance to know their mother. Then I began to think harder about my two, the ones who would lose their mother for good.

I could not even began to think of how my husband was going to handle this. I decided I needed help. I called my mother. I knew she would have sage advice. She had already had a talk like this with me and I assume my siblings. She was on dialysis now going on ten years. When her kidneys first failed, I jumped every time the phone rang. She could tell me how to handle this situation. So I called her.

She listened to me speak. I don't recall ever having her so quiet before. At times I would stop speaking, waiting for something. Nothing

I was hurt. I started my good byes, she stopped me.  She said simply," I'm sorry daughter, I didn't know you were sick." Then she hung up.  She called back around 3:30 am, I answered the phone. She told me to hang up, I was supposed to be sleep and that she wanted to leave a message.  I hung up the phone again. I sat there on the side of the bed while the phone rang. My husband's soft snore a comfort for it's normalcy . I waited awhile to see if she was gonna call to talk to me. She didn't.

I walked through the house checking on the kids, locking doors, clicking off lights. Then I went back to my bedroom to have my last cry, tomorrow I would began preparing my family for living without me.



SilverMane SilverMane
41-45, F
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

wow!! What a sad story. GOD bless you and keep you forever