Chapter 2 In Preparation

I remember having trouble sleeping that night. I also recall being almost angry that my family seemed to be sleeping fine. I know that this was unreasonable since the only person I'd shared with, thus far, was my mother. Her reaction still had me reeling. What if they didn't care either? I was afraid, I can say that, now.

I got up and started the morning routines, children off to school. Brian was already gone. Usually, I used this time to clean the house, start dinner, or work on some random project. Today I started looking for cheap land. I had 16,000 in savings and was ready to cash in to make sure the kids had someplace of their own. I searched for hours and bookmarked everything that had potential.

The children came in waves, as per usual, filled with stories or complaints about their day. I sent them to do homework and chores, trying to keep to the routine. I do recall that I lapsed on the one hour reading time after this, giving the kids more time to play. I arranged for the children to visit their mom and for my two to spend the weekend and their Glendaddy's house.

When Brian came in, we straight to feeding the family, my cousin Rachel stopped by with her children, ( my godchildren).  The rest of the evening went by in the usual blur of large families. Finally, the house quieted down and I took Brian into our bedroom. It was time to tell him the news. I walked behind trying desperately to find the right words. We sat on the bed, I think I managed to get out that I had something important to say, when the phone rang. I reached for it quickly, holding a finger in the air for my husband to hold on.

It took a moment for my to catch the voice on the other end of the line, crying, shouting.... something about my mother... I looked at Brian and humped my shoulders, shrugging. I told the caller to calm down. She did. I recognized the voice as my baby sister, Cora. I told her to calm down. I had never heard her so distraught. 

'The ambulance just took Momma to the hospital, I am on my way there now. She had a seizure in her sleep. I don't think she is going to make it." 

All this was blurred together, I registered quickly in my head. I jumped up off the bed. "Brian we have to get to the hospital. It's Mom, it's bad."  I mumbled a few words to the older children on my way out the door. It seemed the hospital was in another country, the drive took so long. 

I don't want to go into details about my mother's death. I am still struggling with the loss. I will say she died four days later and that she had planned her death. When I had called to tell her my news, it was already too late and that was why she'd apologized. She knew she would not be there for me. I am now able to say that not only do I understand her. I love her dearly, she was on dialysis for ten years. She was tired and the pain had become too much. Having experienced some of that pain myself, I understand.

The funeral was a blur. I was numb through most of it. I looked at her in her coffin and saw myself. It was chilling, at the grave site, surrounded by family, the unthinkable happened. My legs gave out, the difficulties I'd had of late with walking and breathing hit me hard. I remember my aunt and husband holding me up. I remember being more afraid than I'd ever been.

Late that evening I told Brian the truth about my health. His eyes were filled with pain and I didn't know what to say or do to make it better. The next day I told my sister. She did not say much but I felt how she was feeling, mixed emotions for her. She would get her children back but lose her sister. I know that is not the way she wanted it to happen. 

I told my ex husband, his reaction was the most shocking, for me. He cried. Then asked for forgiveness. I'd had no idea that he blamed himself for my health, until that moment. I reassured him that our fighting had nothing to do with my illness. He was obviously not convinced, but he acknowledged what I had to say with a nod. 

Brian and I quickly decided that if all we had left was a few months,  we would spend it doing what we loved, traveling. In no time at all we had sold or gave away all that we owned. We filed bankruptcy and gave back our apartment building and our home.  We went to court and the children were given back to my sister. I visited my grandparents and others that were and are dear to my heart. 

We bought a cheap camper and before anyone believed I would leave them, we were gone.  

I had been so involved in rearing a large family, I had lost the closeness of our small family group.  I wanted my children to know me, to remember me, if not love me. They were excited by the trip but mourned the lost of their grandmother and their siblings.  Yet, they never complained. They would look at me sadly and lay their heads on my legs. I had not gone into detail about my health but they knew and I was determined to give them the best vacation they would ever have.  Our journey had begun...
SilverMane SilverMane
41-45, F
1 Response Jul 30, 2010

Wow. I have many thoughts going through my head. <br />
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I would like to tell you I am sorry for the loss of your mom. <br />
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I understand quite well, about the not talking about it because, it has been five years since my mom left this earth and talking about the details is something I shy away from. I have dealt with a great many painful issues connected to my past, however this is an issue that I have not been able tofully process and deal with. I guess there is a part of me that is in denial. Not good. Part of me has not grieved her passing, althought not now, I will one day, sit down and do so. <br />
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Anyhow, I am glad that I read your beautifully written experience. You are a talented writer. You express yourself very well. <br />
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Take care.