If you are feeling jealous - or someone close to you is -

Don't feel ashamed (if you are the jealous person), or try to make them feel ashamed. Two reasons: 1) Feelings walk in uninvited. 2) Jealousy comes from fear of loss and memories of pain.

Instead, acknowledge the jealousy and call it what it is - and listen to what it's telling you.

This is usually some variation of, "I'm afraid of loss." Think about that fear, investigate it.

Does it mean you doubt your own attractiveness? In that case - what are some of the good things about you? Find your own attractive qualities and emphasize them.

Don't try to be a copy of the person you feel threatened by. Yes, he or she has some attractive qualities. If you happen to be lacking in those areas - IMHO, it's more productive to shine in your own way than to copy that person. Why? Because you have some good qualities that he or she is missing. Something about you attracted your partner in the first place. Focus on that.

Does the fear of loss mean you don't trust your partner? In a best-case scenario, you should feel able to openly talk to your partner and share your fears.

I know that's not easy; it feels powerless to ask someone, "Do you like him/her better than me?"

But if your partner is the person you hope they are, they will be gentle with your heart - whatever the answer is.

You may not like the answer. It might be, "Yes." It might be, "I like both of you and I don't want to give either of you up."

It might be, "I love you, but I'm afraid too."

Yes - the person who inspires jealousy also feels fear in many cases. Sometimes they feel engulfed by your emotions - they might need space. I know that's a cliche, but people really do need space, in varying amounts - and often at the most painful times. And it isn't always men who "need space." I'm a woman, and I have broken up with guys that would have been perfect - if only I hadn't felt like I could never do anything without them.

If your partner needs space, giving it to them can be the hardest thing on earth. (I have been on both sides of this - I know what I'm talking about.) This is another cliche, but now is the time to turn to your friends, and do activities that you can enjoy without your partner.

If you don't feel like you can talk to your partner about the jealousy - why not? Look inside yourself and find out why. It's usually more fear.

Why do you feel afraid to talk about jealousy with your partner? Afraid he or she will think less of you?

Anyway - you get the idea. Look for the feelings that are underlying your feelings. Peel the onion. It can be excruciating, but it can lead to better knowledge of yourself, and better honesty and intimacy in your relationship.
SmartKat SmartKat
46-50, F
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Fantastic! Well stated as usual for you dear. . You know your really a delightful person I am thankful to call you my friend.

Oh, thank you. (blushes)

I Married a Stewardess twenty years ago. Before we were married she had an affair while on a trip. I trust her now but never ask about what she did at work for fear of waking the jealousy dragon up. She may well have been unfaithful again but do not want to know.

IMHO, don't-ask-don't-tell can be a very good idea.

I have had my naughty moments in the past as well and also figure if you live in a glass house, throwing rocks has never been wise