My Secrets Don't Count.

I think I was about 5ish when my best friend at the time asked if I wanted to have sex. I must have known what it was, because I immediately began shaking. I asked if her mom would be ok with that, or told her that her mom probably wouldn't want her to, or something like that. I don't remember her answer. I only remember us getting naked (I was and am an easily persuaded person) and she told me i absolutely had to touch her, and then she'd touch me, but mostly it's like i blacked it all out of my memory. I am 20 years old now. When I became old enough to begin being sexual, I was nervous about it, and told my first couple boyfriends about the experience. The boy I first had sex with cared very deeply about me, but It seems like he and no one ever really understood how much it meant to me that I was telling them; as a child it was my deep dark secret. I cried myself to sleep every night, and felt a lot of guilt. I never told my parents, my close friends I grew up with, no one. It was never really a big deal to anyone else. As I got older, I started to think that it just didn't count, I wasn't really molested because it was just a close friend my own age. I still feel this way about it, I just can't claim to have been molested when it wasn't anything like what a child goes through being molested by someone much older than them. And yet, as great a life as I've had, I still feel my childhood was marred. I guess I want to know if anyone else has a similar story, and if they have talked to a therapist or anything. I am curious as to what it means to be sexually abused by a child my own age.
byrddog byrddog
18-21, F
Jul 26, 2011