My Past, A Childhood?

You try too forget, you try too move on, you even try tellin yourself it never happen. Were force too are remember are worse memories and easily rob of are good ones. Till this day I cant forget no matter how many years past it always comes back..
I use to get abused as kid in every way possible beaten burn stabed cut I can go on for days at first was just my step father then he started to abuse and rape my mother ofcourse I defended her but then she started too the same as him for awhile it was like they were taking turn with each other one after the other my mom during the day step father after work at night then myself in between it all I dnt kno when or how I pick it up but I was hurting myself just as bad...I have scars and burns all over my body. I hate going too pools and beach because of it,they went at it for years my entire childhood as was that when I was 14 my mom finally got the courage too leave him the physical and emotional abuse still continued by my mom for another year then she got herself a boyfriend and started too change.. But the scars remain and I slowly became a depress out of control kid I was going too parties drunk and smoke so much suprise did t kill myself that way,I went so many girls, and got into so many fights at school had anger problem...when I got too high school I stop even tho it was all stupid and fun depression took its toll on me nothing mattered to me not even my own life I started too cut myself almost everyday...But now I'm all burned out almost always depress and cnt find any reason too go on. I cnt even cut myself or kill myself I'm so lost