Hard Experience With A Not Normal Father

My father was paralyzed his right hand and right leg ,he was having a heart problem also, he was treating me and my mum in a very bad, rude way, always was hitting me and saying to me bad words, like once I’ll never forget this, i bought a new watch my mum or my uncle buy it for me ,and I went with it to the social club, but somebody while I was playing football steel it and I didn’t see this,so when I returned back home and he knows this he slaps my face so strong the wardrobe was opened and I fall down inside it, then he get a rope and tight me to the bed for a long time, and am remembering sometimes when I was finding him sitting and watching tv I was going and kissing his hand because he is my father, so I don’t know why he was doing this to me, also I remember once me and my cousins was smoking cigarettes and he caught me, he get me to the room closed the door told me to take off my clothes and start hitting me very strong with his slipper, and I remember that half of my body was bruised, it was very blue ,after 3 days I went to a birthday with my mum and when my mum friends was asking me and my mum we were saying that I fall down from my bicycle….

Really don’t know what to do am feeling a very deep pain inside me, when I am seeing a family smiling together am not envying them but I wished I was living like this and all the families also to be happy,and after all this in my 17th birthday my cousin called me while I was going to cut my hair as my gf was preparing to surprise me by a party and told me come home now cause your father is little bit tired,I went home quickly and found my father sweeting and screaming saying somebody let this headch to go away,we called the ambulance and they took him and I was with him on the ambulance but I think in this moment he passed away,when we went to the hospital the doctor told his sister my cousin that he passed away….

The point know that am in a good job and doing my master degree but am not feeling happeniss at all as I also know having always bad mood confused not having the confedance which I want ,am having also a fear inside me as I tried a lot to forget all what happened to me when I was small but on the hard times am always remembering especially after my great mum which did a lot of things to me and my brother got married.

Somebody advise me what can I do please

Sonty Sonty
26-30, M
Mar 10, 2010