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Disrespectful Grown Up Daughter

My daughter is 22 years old..she has a baby that is a year and a half old. Before I say anything let me tell you that her son is the light of my life. I enjoy everything to do with him. When she became pregnant she was a sophomore in college. In order for her to finish, I said(even though I am disabled with a bad back, and several other health issues, such as rheumatoid arthritis, severe edema, etc...), that I would take care of her son full time to allow her to finish school. My husband and I have taken care of him completely, both financially and physically..and in every other way that counts...We dont have much to do with the father of the child, he hasnt seen the baby much, and sure hasnt contributed to raising him...We didnt expect our daughter too..we told her to just concentrate on school..she would see him on weekends and available times during the week.. I still do absolutely everything for her when shes home too, its not just about taking care of her son..I do her laundry, I cook for her, I serve her, I do EVERYTHING for her and her son...She has managed to say Thank you exactly one time, that was last year, in a letter, which yes I did appreciate it, however actions would go MUCH further at this point. She talks down to me CONSTANTLY, laughs at me, tells me Im ridiculous, you name it, it has been said...the problem is, we used to be SOO close..up until she was around 19? We had the BEST relationship..I don't know what happened, but she has completely changed. She does nothing but take advantage, and talk nasty to myself AND my husband. We have both had it, and are stuck, due to the fact that we DO love the baby SOO much, and know that if we say anything out of line, she threatens to take him away. Any suggestions? I am sick of being hurt by all this..I found this forum today, after a particularly nasty bout with her, and looking around online out of desparation..I need some answers...
tigger71004 tigger71004 36-40, F 11 Responses Feb 25, 2011

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Let her take him away. He is her responsibility after all. You have definitely enabled her to be disrespectful by disrespecting yourself. I always use this gauge to inspect my actions, behavior and life. If the situation, circumstance or incident happened or occurred in my best friend's or another person whom I cared deeply about, what advice or words of wisdom would or could I give? Then I do everything humanly possible to do just that! Sometimes it's difficult, so I pray and then do it. You always have the answers. You just choose to ignore your own best advice any times.

I know you posted this a couple of years ago, but I'd like to know how things are going. Are you still caring for your grandchild? I agree with those who said you're doing too much for your daughter. She sounds spoiled. She needs to grow up and learn to be more independent. As she's now a parent, it's time for her to take responsibility for herself and her child. You need to set some boundaries. For heaven's sake, quit doing her laundry and everything for her. She's capable of doing domestic chores herself.

She should also take a more active part in raising her son.

I don't understand why she can't care for her son while she's in college. I did it. In fact, I had three sons while I was in college. And since my husband was in the Air Force, we lived a long way from home and were our children's sole care givers, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Perhaps your daughter doesn't like her dependence on you and her anger is an expression of her inner turmoil.

Whatever the case, don't let her talk to you with disrespect. Tell her that you'll no longer tolerate it. I don't know where you live, but in some states, grandparents can go through legal channels to get visitation rights. And since you raised the child, you may even be able to get custody.

Good luck.

i have 3 children son 24 middle daughter 23 and youngest 22 the first and last treat me with such disrespect name calling abusing me the 22 yr old has moved in and out and everytime it worse sh comes and goes allday she leaves messes all around the house takes things with out asking and borrows money she doesn;t pay back when promised she doesn;t come home for a few days walks in doesn't say a word to us and than leaves again she calls me names and when she has company exspects me to walk on egg shells her and her brother are alot alike the only dif.is he wont get work and has children he could careless about my middle girl is my best friend my angle today i got my fill of the youngest she has been told over and over you me money i am struggling and not asking for rent or any costabution she wont lift a finger or do anything to show she is happy she can come home she been gone for a few days walks in my home with her friend packs a huge bag of clothes to go away with her girlfriend on a weekend get away all at her exspence she has all the money in the world when it comes to her wants so i told her her things will be in her car and she will not get the rest until i get the money she owes am i wrong i just am so fed up

Kick there ***** out !!!!!!!!!

I have realized that I don't actually like who my daughters have become! In their company I feel uncomfortable and I find when I do spend time with them I always come away feeling distraught and sad. I helped to raise my first two grandchildren for the first 6 years of their lives due to my Daughter's ineptitude only to be disregarded and left out in the cold after I decided I wanted a life and moved to another town. Love did not bridge the distance for her, she felt I was being selfish for moving away! Consequently I rarely see my grandchildren whom I had an incredible bond with for those six years, no doubt they will grow and forget who I was and what times we had. I don't expect her to ever tell them what I did for her after all why should she? Why would she want them to know how bad it was for them during those early years. Easier to make it seem I was unreasonable and uncaring for moving away I guess. As for my other daughter she wanted exactly what her sister had ie a full time carer and someone to help with baby when the going got tough, and before anyone comments about how I should let them get on with it and learn responsibility just try it when you can see your grandchild suffering due to their total lack of empathy and ineptitude! Catch 22 I call it stuck between a rock and a hard place ..... Damned if you do and damned if you don't. You see if you don't then what? You have to be in the sidelines watching, observing and hoping they will get 'it' and that your grandchild will be ok ... I don't think so! I take responsibility for most of it of course, as all Mothers know you don't get a text book when it comes to raising a child. Many factors come in to it ... How you were raised, boundaries and the ability to have them which was my biggest mistake I had none! Nope, no boundaries at all. I was raised by a Mother who did her absolute best but she had to work full time so she wasn't always about and I was never disciplined, lucky me yes but it didn't help me really in the long run. With my own children I just wanted them to have as much fun as possible, thinking they're only little for so long they must have fun! Ok, I did make it known when I wasn't happy with them for behavior etc but discipline, nope! So here I am, alone now. Neither one of them has an ounce of respect for me I have served my purpose no longer needed and disregarded. Am I sad? ... Yep and just a tad bitter too! Judge me all you want for what I am about to say .... I really regret having them! When they shout at me and say 'I didn't ask to be born' guess what I say ... 'And I didn't ask for you to be born either but my God I tried hard and sacrificed to be a decent Mother, and I was!'

Now is the time to pray for our children because I know that my two little girls, now adults ages 21 and 23, are like total strangers to me. I was a single mom when they were both born. Their father was a deadbeat *****-donor who did nothing for them.I lived with my parents, but I took care of my kids. My mom and dad helped me so much but they told me that they were not going to babysit for me to run wild. They babysit while I worked or while took some courses at the local college. I'm glad that they were strict. It taught me responsibility. Anyway, I went through the good, bad, and ugly with my girls. We weathered many tough storms. Certain family members looked down on me and my girls because no one wants to be around broke people. We didn't care. We had eachother. Well the years passed by and they go off to college and I remember like it was yesterday telling them that they better focus on school so that they won't jeopardize their scholarships. I told them that even though you may befriend people with money, never forget your roots. Well, its like I don't even know these women anymore. Now, Mr. Deadbeat was nowhere around when they were younger and never gave me a dime of child support, even though I pursued him in court. He was too sorry to hold down a job in order for me to get anything. Now they act like he is the chosen one because after 18 years of their lives, he resurfaces. He sees two college-graduates and he's latching on for a free ride. My 23<br />
year old has a 14 month old son. I have two younger children, ages 10 and 17 months. That's right, my grandson is 3 months younger than my daughter. I have a wonderful man in my life, whom my oldest daughters dislike. To sum everything up in a nutshell, all I have to say is that I did the best that I could for them. I'm not going to say that I was the best because Lord knows I wasn't and am not now. They both have called me a horrible mother and an even worse grandmother. They recently visited my parents (who live right around the corner from me) and didn't think enough of me and their younger siblings to call or stop by. To all those parents, either mothers or fathers, who are dealing with these type of children, please pray to God for strength and guidance. Pray, believe, and meditate that your relationship will get better and it will. Sometimes the best thing to do is give a person his or her space until they realize that they should try to do better.

We have a similar story, It is so hard for me to let go I did it 7 years ago and it was like mourning a death I did it though, and now were back at it ,I dont get whats wrong with these selfish kids of ours today its so frustrating and wrong , they just dont seem to give a damn, now I am dealing with my sweet aging Mom with Dimentia and my stupid father moved them 3 hours away when she and I could have all the time in the world together as I am still single and want so bad to give back to her what she gave to me as a child. This sucks

Its an ugly truth that we as parents often feel that we have to put up with mistreatment and verbal abused from our grown adult children because we are afraid that they will use the grandchildren as manipulating tools to get back at us. It has happen, in fact it has happen to me. I have done everything in my power to provide and care for my children. I am not perfect but I have done my best to make sure they had a good home without drugs, alcohol or violence. I showed them love and patience. But there comes a time when we have to regain our self respect because if we continue to let them disrespect us we not only loose our dignity, we disvalue ourselves and they will only get worse. They are not going to wake up someday and say gee I have mistreated my parent. They will never wake up if we dont stand up for ourself and in fact will continue thinking we are worthless,and manipulate us by holding our grandchildren as hostage if we dare speak up or else never see them again. Do you think that your grandchildren are going to respect you for allowing the abuse, because that is what that treatment is., plain and simple abuse and get ready because the grandchildren, no matter how much love you have shown them , will also begin to show you disrespect. I know its utterly heartbreaking. When I told my daughter I was heartbroken by her behavior, she told she didn't give a f**** how I felt. I could not sleep for days. But no more, I finally told her she would no longer disrespect me , she is an adult now, grow up, deal with the consequences of her actions and stop using my grandchild to manipulate me. and yes I cried afterwards, but I didnt let her see it. I am using prayer to heal from it, from the hurtful words, and from not seeing my grandchild except for moments here and there. I pray everyday the God intervene and help her see the truth. But most of all I pray that God watch over my grandchild and her. They are now living with one of her girlfriends, trying to figure things out. I know that they will either grow up and learn that in order to survive they will have to work hard in order to provide what I provided for her, her baby and her husband or loose everything. <br />
I deserve respect and love, but I am not going to beg for it. I will always love her, my grandchild but I have had enough of the abuse and manipulation. I pray that he is safe and pray for their return when they are ready to face the truth and accept that all I did for them was because I loved them not because I had to or because I have no self respect. God does not want u sto allow them to abuse us, he wants us to stand up for ourself. God will help us but he is waiting for us to ask him to intervene. It may take a while for them to learn on their own, otherwise we are just enabling them to fail.

well said

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU...finally...someone who understands..I almost gave up! I do think an awful lot of the kids in our society today do act as though the world owes them something...I think that has alot to do with the fact that we can't even discipline our children anymore without the threat of the police being called on us..you know what? I got my *** beat when I was a kid..Im not screwed up from it, I have aLOT of respect for my parents, and how they raised me..I think that is part of the problem today, is everyone wants to blame the parents...these kids are old enough to be making decisions...whether theyre right, wrong, or indifferent...Lets place the blame where it really belongs!

This site has already pissed me off enough for the day..i will REtype the comment I just left, since it appears to have just vanished...I said..I came here looking for support, but I suppose coming to strangers who have NO idea what the circumstances really are is a big waste of time...My daughter attends college 2 hours from home, so the whole idea of "stepping back"? yea, not gonna work here, unless you would like the 18 month old to take care of himself? I VOLUNTEERED to care for him to allow MY child to finish school..I WANTED to do that when she made the decision to have this baby, since she was in TOTAL shock, and was going through an INCREDIBLY difficult time at the time, and before you make any comments, you have NO idea about that situation either, so I dont wanna hear how she knew what she was doing..I NEVER coddled to my children, never believed in it..I stepped up to take care of her at the age of 20, when her life took a dramatic turn..she ALWAYS helped around the house, and was always respectful, until the last couple of years..she made her own bed at 3 yrs old for christs sakes..I personally think something has happened that I dont know about, and since Im the closest person to her, she has no fear of me leaving, so I take the brunt of her aggression, because she feels safest with me..I was hoping for some sympathetic feedback but I was wrong to look for it here, I suppose...

Tigger71004 hold on a bit frmr has a point but not put it to diplomatically you NEED to bring in a little tough love Sit down and work out a plan of action with your daughter about work scheduales for school and homework ,then what chores you would like for her to do towards helping with HER baby and its environment,You could forinstance pull back on help for one day and then let her find out just how hard you've been working so she can carry on playing at being a child and not taking on her responsibilities as a parent.But remember you are her parent and you set rules that hopefully give the best for ALL of you.Any more help please feel free to message me

you know, I came here looking for support, not to be beat down some more...guess it was a waste of my time, thank you for contributing to my day in such a positive manner...

I must say that response has put me off posting about my heartache! It's been a long time since you posted this Tigger, I do hope you have found peace now .... Blessings to you from a fellow heartbroken Mother.

How do you suppose she learned to be ungrateful and unresponsible for her actions? Do you suppose it is because her parents did not hold her accountable? The REAL question is, when are you going to stop doing everything for her and allow her to stand on her own two feel? THAT will be tough but it's the only way.