Once Again I Find Myself Questioning....

I have been with my husband for half my life. However, we didn't get married until 2008. He always wanted to marry me, it was I that did not feel as though I REALLY REALLY wanted to. We have 2 children, 12 and 9. I love this man but I can't help but to think to myself...is it him forever. Do I LOVE him?? Of course I do, he is the father of my kids and I've been with him half my life. I am very comfortable in the relationship to a certain point. He know's me well, he puts up with me, and thats not always easy. 
I broke up with him in 2005, that lasted 9 months. I was ok with it, I felt free. There was a weight lifted off me, I could breath. I was content for a while. Then I found out he was hanging around this girl that use to be my friend and my eyes became so green with jealousy and it wasn't long before I had him back in my home. The next 2 break ups were no where near that long. However, I married him as a last resort to get him back. At the time  it was what I wanted and I was happy. 
 Now onto some things that you don't know about him and I.
He comes from an upbringing different from mine. Mine was not perfect but better then his. His parents never gave any supervision and there were drugs in his home. His parents are still married. We meet in highschool and I put the "S" on my chest ready to save him.  My parents are divorced but did manage to give me a decent upbringing. Our families have nothing in common and we share different parenting skills.
I will try to make this short so I will go on to say this...my husband "behaves" for a while and then he has his episodes where he will go somewhere and get drunk, stay at a friends house (but mostly comes home). I believe he is still using 1 or 2 illegal street drugs ( but can't be sure about one). I have asked him to stop. He almost got his second DUI but got lucky. He is the way he is and I just feel like i'm STILL trying to change him (to help him). Overall he is a good man and loves me dearly. I am in school to be an RN, I am a very motivated person and he just seems..content with where he is in life. I have some serious soul searching to do. If I leave him again it will have to be for good because its not fair to anyone to be going back and forth. I wish I could just wake up one day and know what I will do with this marriage. Ist just always  the same ole crap and i'd say about 50% of the time i'm happy. Soul searching starts tomorrow........thanks for reading but obviously there's way more to my story. I have to figure this out.
reachable reachable
2 Responses Jul 15, 2010

you have to decide yourself of your wants/desires/wishes as your mind at this stage is blocked byall the filthy stuff.reason them out. try to know your own potential and abilities, work on them and come to some sort of capabilities.then every thing will be ok.try to insist displine on yourself not on others

You can't 'fix' anyone. They are who they are. If you can't accept him just as he is, then you should move on. Would you like it if he decided he was better than you and wanted to change you to suit him? Think about it from his point of view. You're right, once you make your decision, you'll have to stick with it. Its not fair to him that you don't appreciate him as he is and only wanted him back because another woman was interested.