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I'm Begging, Please Let Me Get Through This

I've never had to face decisions like these, I don't really know how to handle them. For the first time in my life I feel alone, surrounded by people that never have and never will respect me. I gave my all to them and they gladly sat there and took it from me. I have truly forgotten who I am, who we were. All the excitement and hustle in my mind seemed to fade out like an indicator I was low on fuel. I hear nothing and have become nothing.

In a short time, I will throw it all away. It's funny how we will cling to things we dislike just so that we have something to cling to. I'm really going to be putting my life on the line for this and there is a good chance that if I stumble too many times I won't make it, but what choice do I have? That's right, I do have a choice! I can go back to that place, I can be someone I hate and live an easy life. I can surround myself with people I will never see eye to eye with and maybe I can even marry someone I pretend to love. I said I'm a strong person, I truly believed in my own strength, my own will to not give in and now that it's time for me to jump in and prove that strength, I am truly afraid.

I will not bow down, I will not falter, I will not give up.

Mom, I love you and I really hope that while I'm gone you are okay. I know we spend a lot of time together and you've been my support pillar my whole life but I am going to do this alone. I hope you don't get lonely. It won't be a short while, I probably won't talk to you for a few years. This is time that I need. Please take care of yourself while I'm gone, I don't want my farewell to be our final goodbye. In return I will try my hardest and not give up. I won't die so easily.

My younger sisters, there is going to be a lot of things said about me in the next few months, I know that I will be made the bad guy. I couldn't support her anymore. Someone who doesn't really want help and only takes from the people that offer it until they leave. Three years was too long and I lost myself. When I go, I won't defend myself. You are grown women and I know you will forge your own lives no matter how I am portrayed. Even if you grow to hate me, I love both of you with all my heart. Take care of Mom while I'm gone.

My older sister, It's been a long few years. I hoped every day I could make your family better and help you through the hard times. I hoped to one day see you on your feet again. I have some harsh things to say to you now but I know you wouldn't listen as you are. I really hope that one day you find what you're looking for and can learn to live on your own. I hope for your daughters sake that you realize she is exactly like you before it's far too late to help her. Not in the ways you see but the way you talk to the people around you, the way you talk about all of us behind our backs, that is exactly how she talks to us, directly to our faces. I shouldn't have blamed her and now it's too late to take that back. For your son, May God's grace look after him, I'm not sure if there is much else to help him in life. I'm sorry I couldn't take him to learn hockey or football. No matter what, and while I know you will hate me and blame me for the years to come, I love all of you. I won't be back though, this bridge is burned.

I will probably give some people updates in a year or two, I don't imagine I'll be back for at least five. I'll keep journals and send them to my best friend, If I don't make it, they will tell you about my life. They will probably have in them things that you never knew about me and I'm not ready to tell you yet. I need to do this for one reason, I am not the man I want to be and I never will be with the shadows that loom over me. Life you know my name, if you help me I will work hard, if you stand against me, I will meet you head on and make you submit to who I am.
Tripjointswithdope Tripjointswithdope 22-25, M May 30, 2012

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