Introspection and Insomnia

 I am really struggling with what my future is going to look like.  I have been in an unhappy marriage for a long time (24 years).  There have been brief periods of relative contentment...but it has never been healthy or complete.  It is not a relationship that I can imagine living the rest of my life in.  The thought of being with him when my children are grown gives me a literal shiver..... like you have taken a bad is visceral response.....

I am not happy....and haven't been for a long time. is is  not the unknown...although there is covert and some overt is predictable to some degree.  I have learned how to dance the dance and walk around softly when it is happening..I have also learned how to block out a least temporarily.  Not an ideal way to live and damaging but it IS what I know.

The future is terrifying for me right now.  I wonder if leaving this marriage will only be trading it in for another relationship with its own set of baggage...if there really will ever be a soul mate .....if I will ever be worthy of love......if my expectations of being someone's priority are completely unrealistic.....if I am supposed to live this life in this marriage....if I can have a happy and content future??? 

I feel as if I have always wanted what was right, ethical and just.  It shouldn't always be that difficult to obtain something that are those things???

Searching my soul for answers that are elusive........

invisiblewife invisiblewife
41-45, F
13 Responses Feb 15, 2009

I can understand, as I'm very much in the same situation, accept I am ill and do not have an income. I may not be able to get out of my situation but I feel better knowing that someone else may be able to get out and move on and have a life.<br />
I hope it all works out. I know it's scary to change life, but I hope it happens and that scary turns into happiness and freedom :)

you need to move on. it may be scary but what u should really be afraid of is what will come of you if you stay. you need to put yourself first and start living for you. once you are able to do that you will realize leaving is whaT you should have done a long time ago

I hear you lady. You are right....but you have me worried about the part when you said, that you are afraid of what he will do if and when you separate/divorce him. I'll pray for you....I might not be as religious as I used to be but I know when someone is suffering inside and I can't ignore that. I will repeat what I said though, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Listen also to what Villete said about you making yourself the first priority. You should still be kind and supportive to others but you should learn how to be there for yourself to the best of your ability. Find youself. As long as you are living, you have the power to customize and upgrade your life. Do NOT lose faith in yourself.

Your expectations are not unrealistic. You only deserve the best a man can offer. But you should really set no expectations..if u leave, leave. even it means that u may have to be alone. Maybe a new relationship is not what u need. Such unhappiness and misery is no one's destiny. U have yet to find the rest of ur life. <br />


angel...btdt....I could be in counseling till the day I have and have all of my s*** figured out...but if the other partner will not and refuses to recognize he has can never be one sided.....<br />
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villette...thank you for the reminder that it is OK to take care of yourself....I have spend years taking care of everyone else BUT it is a switch that I have to make .....and the ability to accept that it is not selfish to do that.

Hey know that I appreciate your comment. I would not be leaving my marriage for another relationship....BUT....there are future considerations....I cannot invision my life without a partner somewhere down the road....I guess those ramblings were generic questions regarding what that future partner would entail and if there was a life that was happier past the one that I have known. I have lots of healing to do...I have a trememdous amount of learning how to trust again and how to open up. That will be a work in progress I am sure. Fear has definitely kept me IN the marriage...fear of retribution....fear of what he would be capable of when we do disband....I have had to overcome that fear to move forward into even believing that I would be strong enough to do this on my own. Theoretically I have completely raised the kids on my own....he has provided...but he has never participated.<br />
Girl....the day my divorce is finalized we WILL make plans to do at least one of those things.....I am holding you to that! :) Thanks for your is appreciated.

Thanks flourlady...that HAS been my motto hour at a time if that is what it takes...BUT I have to make a master it is forcing me to look forward

P.S. You have to be your own first priority xx

I think you cant just live your life settling for second best, your partner doesnt seem to be a bad person so councelling would be a good idea, if this doesnt work you have to put yourself first. No one has to be in a relationship to be alive.

I am going to tell you something that I should do as well. Try counseling. Just try it first by yourself for yourself...nobody needs to know what you are doing in your private time to make yourself feel in a sable like state. I can empathize and sympathize with how you are feeling right now. You just gotta push yourself out there and search within yourself until you feel satisfied. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.

Well my friend I assume you wouldn't have posted if you were not looking for guidance. You should never leave one relationship for another IMHO. It just puts more baggage on the person you are leaving for. I would be thinking in the back of my mind,"did I break up their marriage? Is my new lover being honest about the feelings for the ex or is (s)he creating this strife to justify leaving for me."<br><br />
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With that said, it sounds like you are being sporadically emotionally abused. I have always been curious about your screen name although never asked. Now I think I got my answer in your post today. <br><br />
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You are right that you have a lot of soul searching to do, but fear should never be a factor in the decisions you are making. Believe in yourself that IW can do it on her own. It won't be easy, but it is so much better than living in a loveless, abusive relationship for the rest of your life.<br><br />
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I am not being critical, as I only want to give you something to think about. I want us to go skydiving, repelling, snorkeling, and riding the pines together. I want is to do the things that you have mentioned wanting to do on posts to my stories, but you have to take that step to move forward or he will keep you imprisoned for life. Go for it girl! I am waiting on the other side. Come on! One step in front of the other and one day at a time. It is all going to work out in the end!

just take one day at a time and youll be fine!