Maybe You'll Google Your Name Someday, Yes This Is To You

From dae

Tristannaleigh:

You were right. Given enough force i'd find a way to move on. I don't know what it was about you but you have clouded my ability to feel for much of anyone else for all of 3 years. The most i've had is a minor crush. I've had a terrible case of what they call oneitus.I want you to know something though.  Now that the dust is settling and everything is clear I can see a few things clearly now. I have this friend who in the recent months has come to send me a couple of things I never thought anyone else in the world would understand. It was because of you I couldn't see what was happening right  in front of my own eyes. I've been lonely, isolated and out of place and I found some lost soul that represents where I acutally seem to fit. The pieces have never really fit well much of anywhere. I'm a square peg in a round hole in this world and I think I might have actually found another such as myself.

When I first got with you I never understood the signfiicance of trying to fall in love wtih you unconditionally and yet romantically. I thought I was shielding myself from pain but the truth was there was nothing more selfless I could have done. See I've done everything I can to conceal the full brunt of the pain I felt from you. I specifically wish you'd never find out. You know the one thing that makes it worth it in all of it even though .... It was this:

 

That was the real meaning. If something like this had happened before  I turned to enlightenment and consciousness I could never let it go or forgive you. I would have turned my love into hate because that's how relationship tend to go. The hatred is WITHIN the love as it generally turns out and it's only a matter of time and disappointment before things fall apart. I had a lot to say to you but I tried to send it all at once because in truth I think I wanted you to set me free and you did but there's one thing that stands clear in all of this mess, after all this time: I don't hate you. Not even a little bit. not at all.

To this very day you have marked a watershed within me. Whenever someone else even tries to attack mandy I'm right there with them to tear her apart but you... even after all this time when I tell people what happened between us and they say bad things about you I speak up for you and defend you. I always will. Always. That will never change. Because real love has no opposite to decay into and is infinite. It's the only truth I do know.

don't scour my pages. Don't go looking for the madness you caused. Don't. I don't want you to know how bad it hurt. I would do anything to shield you as an empathetic being from understanding how crazy things have gotten and what my friend pulled out... and why I'm glad me and her are not ....becuase I need time to feel like I'm even willing to take risks again. I'm battered but i'm not broken. I know I'm developing feelings for someone again but I'm not the way I was before. I'm just glad to be in her shadow... Period.. Being there for her is it's own reward...

it was you i decided to learn these things with and for that there will never come a day that I do not jump at the chance to catch you if you fall. I know i said a lot of nasty things about how i didn't think it would work out for you but you know that wasn't me trying to speak  in favor of why it should be me. I don't want to be right. If anything my earnest wishes are that it works out for you. The only problem is that part of me has been in conflict iwth the part of me that wants to be the ONE to make you happy for a long time and I needed a reprieve and to be released. You set me free.

If he and you, ever... if it ever comes to that know that Even though I want you I thnik of more like you do your own kids.. I would lick your wounds.... and if you marry him I would celebrate with you... I would never be so arrogant as to say "I told you so" or too petty to congratulate you when things went your way.

Things will work out in the end. Just know that you'll always have some small piece of me and you can't lose it.... This world might be transitory as hell but my love for you is not.

Te amo...

Goodbye.... For the time being and for as long as we must part ways.
ManifestoOfThePhoenix ManifestoOfThePhoenix
31-35, M
Dec 10, 2012