Listen Up, Men (from the Ladies)

******* ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the **** video you saw, it is not standard practice to *** on someone’s face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON’T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your ****?

7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does Not mean that it’s “****** week” - get it through your head - I’m bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls - if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

CuriosityKitten CuriosityKitten
31-35, F
42 Responses Feb 22, 2009

Less talk, more sucking. I feel sorry for the beta who is on the receiving end of your "********".

Suggestion for rule 10 offer to shave him, with a promise of giving him a good bj after. It will excite him and keep you from getting hair in your mouth.

While I will defend blue balls as a real condition, I will also admit that, yeah, I can just go jerk off when my girl doesn't want it. I do have an argument against #15, though. True friends don't usually brag about getting head, but me and my best friend have talked about sex with our girlfriends in the past, when the girls weren't around. That's the truth of the matter. (btw you were obviously angry at some guys when writing this, but I did find it amusing and funny. good job writing it so well!)

be a good girl hun,stop being a--------

I knew a lady who, while great in bed, gave such great blow jobs that they were all I wanted from her. OMG I will never forget her. Gee......I haven't thought about her for hours. Thank you CK, now I'm depressed all over again. Oh lord, she was good. She sucked so hard it made my head cave in slighty. She could empty a full aqua lung in ten seconds flat. It didn't take her ten seconds to empty me. I wish I hadn't read this story. I think I'm going to cry.


I agree with these rules and some. Appreciation for a good blow job should be common sense. Men need to know how to keep a good thing going because good blow jobs are hard to come by from what I hear. It always amazes me how they act like they cant live without it but when they screw it up and then start calling you begging and apologizing because its easy to move on when you know you give good a BLOW JOB!

Oh that's too bad. Sorry to hear that.<br />
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I firmly believe in rule #2.

Number 11 is one reason why my marriage has ended.

Ouch. I hope you didn\'t have to put up with a lot of other reasons. That one alone would do it for me.

I have no problem with those rules... ;p

hey this is great!

This is awesome. I should print this for my husband to read...when I do I will highlight #11!

Nope. That one stays in.

Actually, I was thinking #7 should be in a 24 point bold font.

Fortunately, my husband knows better, but some other guys out there just don\'t have a clue.

CK, I agree, but I really think you should scratch out #7, at least when you have a head cold.

This could be the Manifesto of the Ladies of EP. *giggles*

wow, lol, this is good!!

LMFAO ROTFL!!!! OMG!!! *I can not breathe!!* <br />
Love this -- LOVE THIS!!! I am sharing with all the guys I know - today!!

OMG, this is great. every man should be mailed a copy of this. i agree, learn it, live it.

TOCIC, you are SO right!!

Omg love the list...especially # 11...better never do that to me!

my ex was good at "it" and i was eternally grateful. if your man isnt appreciative just let your teeth slip...

hehe....****** week


I like 17. Good one!!

Hecks, yes! Double heck YES to number 8 & 9 AND 16, with an addition that 'if' they except to get kissed good morning, per se, coffee should be brought first.<br />
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I will also add #17- Just because I start the job, does not mean I am entitled to "finish" it. Wrapping my lips around one's **** is simply the most expedient manner to command the attention of your ***** which feels much better between my legs, than ramming my face!<br />
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no problem at all lol

Gee, thanks buddy!! LOL

lol ok i wont just so you can sleep tonight but i will tomorrow lol

OMG. Do NOT go there. Please. I need some sleep tonight!! LOL

atleast u still havent seen the toys, and what my father did with one still haunts me.

After last night and the discussions about my poor mother, I'm going to be in therapy for years.

lol well y didnt you just say that in the first place. subconciously u must of been thinking about baby poo. u should try the therapy i told u about it works. lol

I'm just saying, everything is sexier than Nascar. *Giggles*

baby poo? explain please?

Well, let's see....The Notebook, brand new lingerie, making love under in the moonlight, rain, dirt, the dentist office, my 70-something gyno, baby poo, cat liter, mustard, pink eye....should I go on?

hey whats sexier than nascar

Or Nascar. No, I will not do it while Nascar is on. Gross.

Every man should read this and remember it. Learn it. Live it.

i agree with speechless on this one

Of course you don't like this story. Men don't like rules or etiquette. But, if you abide by these rules/etiquette, you will continue to be pleased. Maybe.

I'm particularly fond of #8 and 9. *Smiles*