I've Been Cutting Myself On and Off Since I Was Sixteen

When my mother died I was really depressed, to say the least.

I remember I was doing a project in Art where we had to do a sculpture, and I was using pieces of broken mirror in mine.

One day, about a week after she died, something compelled me to take a piece of broken mirror out of the classroom with me. I ended up using that piece of mirror to cut my arms over and over again - in class, on the bus, at home in my room. I had no idea what I was doing, but it felt so good.

At that stage I didn't know that there were people known as 'cutters'. My psychiatrist was great, and I stopped cutting after about twelve months.

About nine years later my husband and I split up, and I had a breakdown. I don't remember the first time I cut again, but before I knew it my arms were covered in cuts and scars, and my family were beside themselves.

I became desperate to cut all the time, and would use anything - apart from the usual steak knives and blades, I'd use scissors, belt buckles and even forks when I was in hospital and didn't have access to anything else.

It has now been twelve months since I was in hospital, and after I was discharged I didn't cut again. Now, all of a sudden, I really want to. I've cut a little on my legs, because people would notice if it was on my arms. If my psychiatrist knew, I'd be back in hospital.

It's always in the back of my mind. The feeling is so strong, and I don't know how to stop myself.

maybecrazy maybecrazy
26-30, F
2 Responses May 13, 2007

yep.. .This is the same for me..... I was in a mental hosptial and I stopped for a while. <br />
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A friend recommended me to this site, and I've found a lot of support. I got a way from someone on here that has a good way to keep your need for cutting down. I cut every day for almost 2 years then I stopped and started again when I got disowned. Take a thick rubber band and snap it against your leg or wherever you want to cut. Snap it however many times it takes to hurt. It'll take the place of cutting for a while, but honestly, you'll go back to cutting. It just postpones how much you do it, and it has helped me get off cutting. It took me 2 and a half years using this method to stop, but i would not cut for a month, then I'd cut. Then I'd go two months without cutting then do it, etc.. <br />
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I wish you the best of luck and I hope I helped a tiny bit :)

I know how you feel. I started again today. It's been two years since I've even thought about it. But those two years were wonderful. I had someone in my life that loved me. I stopped carving into myself when she found me. She made me feel like I was worth something ya know. Sunday, two days ago she called it quits on our relationship. Her love replaced my addiction to the physical pain. And now the physical pain is replacing her love. I know it's wrong and if you need to talk I'm here. I know what you're going through and I'm more than willing to help you in whatever way I can. It might be nice to find someone that understands the pain.