I Have Been There But There Is Hope And Only You Can Decide Whether You Want To Keep It Or Not

Ok i dont know how i got depressed and what led to it... all i know is one fine day my mom saw me hitting myself cuz i beleived i was going to hell for thinking like i did... which i cudnt help ofcourse...and my beleif in it got the better of me...

thank god my mom saw me... and she made me get help... my initial thot was have i gone mad... will i be also like those mad ppl found on the roads talking to themsleves dressed wierdly and everytime i saw one...a thot tried to harass me... see this is wat u will become and u dont want to know my feelings and fear... and trust me in my two yrs of psychiatric intervention... i did reach a time when i had almost gotten insane... and worst part was i knew it i was aware of myself and my thoughts... like my own self acknowldging mee getting insane and i was both fearing it and accepting it.. thank god my fear led me to keep moving and not accepting it as my fate... sometimes not accepting something wrong and not true is the only thing that saves u...

so no matter wat anyone says... or ur own mind... dont beleive it... dont listen to it... and fight it as hard as possible... please...

anyways... it got so worse that my dr. confirmed i need to be admitted... and while i detested his verdict and wanted to slap him for that... my mother detested it ten times more... (love her for that) even in my insanity i did had this determination that i wud never let myself enter that place and wont let the dr convince me i have reached the level where only admitting me in some unit is our best bet...

gladly we didnt listen to it... i owe this most;y to my spiritual father who i saw in that room... he was visible to me like sun (ofcourse dr. and not even my mom cud see him)... cuz it was my faith in him and my desire for him to be with me in that moment... and it happened and i got strength... to leave that office.. gladly god willingly i never returned to that dr... again... infact he is now amazed to see me doing so great in life.. he is happy too... but i am not that happy with him and i guess will always have this ill feeling cuz of all those bad times....i wud never recommend him ... even though it was not that he had bad intentions... but again... i cud have lost my life if i had lsitened to him.

anyways so all these times fighting this depression i have had many a thoughts of taking my own life... from the age of fifteen till last year... not that it continued nonstop but i did keep having these thoughts everytime my mind got better of me...

last time i experienced it,was summer of past yr... i had given all hope and more then that i had given up the will to tolerate more of the nonsense of having to deal with things i didnt wanted... u dont know wat next thing u might be asked to go through... and seriously my anger was all on God. why wud he let these terrible things keep happening to me... and if he so hated me and didnt care why did he ever give me life. i wud not have existed and atleast had been away from this drama... why cant he just kill me... rather then make me live through helll...

but gladly i took the right steps including leaving my home and going to usa to my brothers.. iwhich was kind of a place i felt the lest motivated and inspired... its always good to change the place ... and go to a fresher place...

so if ur home is a mess... if u can afford it or if ur loved ones can... try to go to a place that u like... or if there is some friend or some person you really like... ask him/her to take u in or spend more time with u... but what really did i guess helped me was the medication... (one that lited my mood) so that my thoughts were not so dark as to get me suicidal... i can get u the name... but i wud suggest u go to the rdr and get it foruurself (all drs are not bad... and all medicines are not wrong.. get help but trust ur own intuition when u feel something is not right....

ur best bet is

1 choose someone who is recommended by someone u know... and if there isnt anyone like that ... then search for the drs. urself online... see their pics... know if u wud like talking to that person and seeing him every now and then... if u like him her u most probably will like what they say... its true... we listen to ppl we like... more then ppl we dont like...

2 incase u dont find the most interetsing dr... even if she/ he gives u aa medication to lift ur moods ... take it... but if they try giving u therapy.... only take it if u look forward to having it and it makes u feel good abt life and urself.. if u dont... u dont need to... tell them straight i dont wnat to have it ... if u have a great mood u will be better able to cope with those bad things... and thats wat we all need... to be able to handle life... and ourselves... and our thoughts... when we can do that... life can be a blessing!!! it can be an adventure a dream and all that we want to make it... in time!!!:)

with all that said... i think i wud appreicate u to try taking strength from my story and doing what i suggest... if u like it... if u dont... throw it away... but make sure... u find something u like...

also one thing that helped me... was watching videos of my fav celebrity... not cuz he was hot or cool... but cuzz i deeply cared for him... and i cud get strength from him to live and look forward every coming day... i built in me a desire to live to meet him and that reason made me go through that very hopeless period... cuz that vision inspired me and made me and energetic and in love with my own self and what i cud really acheive...

Cheers!!!
Watslifeallabout Watslifeallabout
31-35
Nov 26, 2012