When Do You Know...

When do you know that it is really you and not just a side effect of the medication that you are taking?

Deep down inside, I have always wanted to to kill myself. I will just get that out in the open. I have tried on several occassions however for some reason regardless of how many pills I have taken I always seem to wake up in the morning, and believe me when I say this..... I have tried over the years.

Recently, however, I have been doing really well. I have not had an attempt in over a year. There have been thoughts, but no attempts, so I can still say that I am doing well.

My phycologist has informed me that me that I was "Depressed" due to my severe migraines and the fact that I have basically been in pain for the past 3 years. My neurologist has place me on this medication that I tried a few years ago but did not like so I stopped taking because it made me sleepy called Topamax. I have been taking this drug now for a few mos. aside from all the other side effects..... the thought of kiling myself are coming back stronger than ever.

Last week I actually got up and got out of bed to walk to the bridge that is in my area to jump. All I could hear were the voices in my head telling me to go to that damn bridge. Mind you it is about 10miles from my apt. Almost got there but a friend found me walking on the side of the road. How do you explain the voices telling you that you need to jump off the bridge. Needless to say..... he spent the night on the couch to make sure that I was okay.

The next day on my way coming home from work he had to call the State Police. I started to hear the voices again so I pulled over on the side of the highway to relax and gain my composure. The phone rang and it was him. I told him what happened and wthat I was on the side of the roadm before I knew it I blurted out that I could just walk out in the middle of the road and get hit by one of the cars that are whizzing by and that would be the end of it no more pain no more voices.

You know he hung up the phone and called the police and told them that I was on the road and suicidal. Gave then the description and plate number of my car everything. Stuff like that only happens in the movies..... not in my life.

Luckily, I am was able to talk with some sense to the officer so that they would not place me and my car on a suicide watch list. Meaning EVERY TIME THEY SPOT MY CAR THEY WILL HAVE TO PULL ME OVER TO CHECK UP ON ME. That would make me SOOOOOO very popular.

So I wnt online to inquire more about the other side effects of this drug Topamax..... and guess what suicidal tendencies is a side effect. Should that have been a question that he asked me prior to prescribing it to me? He asked me all sorts of questions about wanting to have children and such, but NEVER thought to ask about having ever had thoughts of killing oneself.

An Ep User An EP User
Jan 19, 2013