I Just Want To Let Go

All I wanted was just to let go, lose control breakdown and have someone say "it's okay."

I'm so tired of being in control and having to do everything for everyone and even more tired of the gossip. Aside from using me they have the nerve to talk about me behind my back. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't clean, I can't wash, I can't cook, I can't make any choices when before this use to be so simple. I haven't had a drink since March 6, 2009 and do you think anyone cares? No, how can they. They didn't't even know I had a problem let alone that I went through recovery. I told my husband he should learn to do everything in the house so that when I'm not here he can take care of things. He didn't't catch my drift. How can he be so blind? I spend hours alone in my room. I lost all my friends, I pushed them away. They didn't't call me for months, you know what excuse they used, " I thought you were mad at me". That's silly. So she hears my sadness, has heard from my husband that I'm in terrible shape and calls to tell me she is there. I called her a couple of times but she stopped calling.I just drag every one down. What's the point to life?

I can't even deal with my 8 year old. I don't want him to talk to me, I don't want to cook for him, I don't want him in my room. I've asked him to leave a few times, I feel guilty but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, so sorry for whatever it is I've done, but please just let me be, let me end this misery.

letingo letingo
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 14, 2010

What do you mean it doesn't end and it makes earth seem like heaven? <br />
I have my plans. I'm content. It continues to amaze me-how calm I feel about it.

my friends gunned them shelfs down infront of me sucide wont help you it dosent end it it makes earth seem like heaven ugh....well good luck P.S dont attempt it

I was in a similar place not long ago. My friends had abandoned me, my family ignored my accomplishments. I felt unloved, and completely alone. I went through the same thing with my dad that you're going through with your son - he would come into my room and sometimes try to help, but I pushed him away. I said terrible things to him - reducing him to tears once. My ex girlfriend told me she was there for me... but then she never called, and never gave more than token responses when I tried to talk to her. People told me that I was crazy, and part of me believed them. I stopped caring about my own life - I eventually reached the point where I felt like I was watching someone else live my life - and if they ruined their life or yelled at someone, it wouldn't be real.<br />
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In the midst of my darkest hour, I stumbled across the blog of an incredibly courageous woman who faced a similar situation of hopelessness. It inspired me when I had no hope left.<br />
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you are not crazy and you are not pathetic, you are incredible and amazing and you are gonna be free from this and the suicide lies gotta go!!! i'm going to send you a message.

Thank you for your response. I don't know how long this can continue. When I'm sad I'm very sad, and when I'm happy, I'm very happy. I can go from one extreme to the other. I do this with almost everything including food (eat a lot or starve), clean or not clean...it just never ends and for some reason I can't find a blance. I know those around me think I was better off drinking. I'm such a pathetic loser taking up other peoples time. I've compromised with my therapist and counselor that they have three months to get me better and I would put in as much effort as I can. For some reason I woke up very happy on Sunday but had the urge to send everyone my suicide note. I don't know why had that urge if I was so happy. I guess I really am crazy.

Ok Sista!!! YOU are NOT alone:))) You may feel alone, you may feel horrible, and you may feel like dying is sounding pretty good right now but I'm here to tell you something. You aren't alone and this is NOT your end, this is a hard spot for you and it is tough right now but you are not giving up on life and you are going to see far better days, in fact your best days are still ahead. I may not know you but I am proud of you for not drinking but even more proud that you have fought so hard and for so long. You've had a tough go of it and I know how that can be. I am telling you right now though that things are turning around for you, things are shifting for the better. That clouds of depression, disappointment, pain, and torment is leaving, don't hang on to it. I want you to know something, you are loved, that might sound weird but I could careless because it's the truth and all the lies you've been told about no one caring about you is not true. You are radically, passionately, and unconditionally Loved and you will know it to your core sooner than you think and it's going to change everything, especially the things you thought couldn't be changed. You are going to get your hope back and you will have real hope and excitement about life again. Like a cup that was empty you will be filled to over flowing with the goodness of life and the healing of love and the peace of freedom. I speak freedom and brand new over you and want you to know that your life is changing for the better. If that is hard for you to believe right now, that's ok, because I'm believing it for you!!!