I Dream Of Ending It....

Does the nervedamage show? .....Is the survival switch tripped?....How can I feel this way when there is nothing tangible to put my fingure on. Am I thus selfish thinking only of my own?....I am so tired feeling this way. I am obliged to carry on, only the thought of cutting loose, the desire...the overwhelming longing keeping me company. Not even death can I make my own choice, for I dare not. Witha an emptyness so great, ....wide as the oceans in my heart. For the soul I seek, the one that can heal this tortured heart. There is but one that knows who I am, that reads the deeper me, but alas, I was cut from the cord that fed me. Plunging to the depths of dark depression once more, only deeper than before. Who can be so mean? Do you know what you have done? In wisdon I have revelled, now only confusion remains. Like water spinning out of a bathtub, so am I, in a vortex of never ends. Goiing round and round. I do not hope for a reply, for nothing said, can make it come undone. This LIVING HELL I must bear, till the time comes I shall not shed another tear, for this earth holds to me nothing dear..........

Gaspar1111 Gaspar1111
31-35, M
6 Responses Mar 29, 2010

Wow, I know how you have felt. "...for this earth holds to me nothing dear." I used to not want to be here. I felt abandoned, as though I had done something wrong, thinking "Why did they leave me here?" I wanted to go home, and I wondered if ending my life would take me there. But that was years ago now. More recently I have come to realize that we (and beings like us) possess a larger purpose... Deep down you know this. Don't ever doubt yourself, Gaspar.

My friend, what you speak I have been told before, it is my biggest test......even though I dont know how to do it YET, I will have to make it a complete 100 persent......... thank you brother!! :)

The soul you seek has to be the one you have....yours. As much as it would be bliss to feel oneness with another, you have to repeat to yourself that when the infrequent and too short moments of bliss end, you will only have you left to carry on with. Doesn't mean you can't be happy WITH another, it's just you've got to find the oneness of you.

thank you sunalightsky, I will surely have a look at your site.... :)

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" For the soul I seek, the one that can heal this tortured heart." oh I wish I could be...