Trying to Beat It After 20 Years

I've been anorexic since I was 14, and over the last year and a half, I have been trying to challenge it - going back to therapy after many years. I did finally manage to explain for the first time why I think (KNOW) I have it, and have hung onto it. But I never knew what hell this wrestle would be: one week or day I decide I am doing it, challenging it, the next I have completely changed my mind (or the illness has changed it for me). I HATE it, but it is also the only adult life I know. I have always been horrified by the thought of a clinic, and still am, but I am now considering, or trying to consider, a very short term stay to try and 'kick-start' (as they put it) something. But I can hardly comprehend it, as I don't eat with anyone, and have eaten the same restricted regimented diet for years....... I sometimes lose hope that anyone can kick if after so very long... wish I was a teenager again - I would go back and kick it then. So hard, so sad.....

beth444 beth444
31-35
1 Response Mar 26, 2009

Wishing you the best as you work towards breaking this pattern. Your courage is inspiring.