How I React

Other people wake up and get stuff done. They smile as they get their coffee's at the drive in coffee shop in their nice cars, expensive hair do's, and clothing. I wake up, and I feel shaken up inside. I breath. I light the candles or incense, I read a devotional. I quake. There are so many expectations from everyone. How can I find myself in the mess of everyones demands? Better yet, how can I be still and wait on God while I am battling and half destroyed. I got to keep my mind focused back on my breath. "Easy," I tell myself. "Easy."
I am not in a team, but a one 'man' show. 'What do I refuse to do today? O.K. well, this one problem isn't my resposibility. But will it get done if I don't do it? Maybe not. It is not my worry, so don't worry. If I have to ask for the responsible person to do it, will there be a fight like last time? Not if I only speak the request. I don't have to let my anxiety and fears get in the way.' There is always the self talk, self calming, self motivating phrases I use. 'I shouldn't allow other peoples complaints affect me so much that my chest begins to tighten, that I even begin to raise my voice in assertiveness to people who affect my life by their decisions and not even realize it. It's o.k. It's ok. I should allow these circumstances to build my character. I should be a woman of peace, and I will eventually be known for that. Whatever is not productive, I won't waste my breath or my time on. Whatever doesn't encourage others, but causes anxiety in them as well, I will try to avoid. No one can be perfect, so I will show grace. I wish there was someone here who could comfort me. Is this God who comes and whispers truth to my mind while I am loosing it?' This is how it is for me quite often. It happens the most in my family. I get easily overwhelmed by many people and the messes I have to clean up later. I just gotta do. To do this, sometimes I click off as though I am in a daze, but I do. I go and take care of what I can. I feel as though I am being punished for something. People wonder if I am happy. I'm working. I haven't thought anything about happiness. Maybe someday I will have time for that.
To wind down when needed, I pick up a story to read to my children. I am grateful for the ways in which we get to escape.
mtiff mtiff
26-30, F
Dec 7, 2012