Realization

I just realized tonight that I have suffered from a deep depression for over a decade now. I don't know how I'm still alive. I'm afraid that the years are going to go by and one day I'm going to wake up and realize that I've been depressed for the majority of my life.
fightthedayaway fightthedayaway
26-30, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

I know what you mean. I fight suicidal thoughts daily. I've made a few attempts on my life, but I can't do anything right. I've spent time in the mental wards, I'm supposed to take a ton of meds, I see a shrink regularly, but I don't think it will ever end. Everything in my life can be perfect and I still want to end it all. The only thing that keeps me going not is I want to wait until my kids are out of collge and on their own. <br />
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I still do things that are harmful to me. Beside my psych drugs I'm supposed to take drugs for hypertension, and anti-plaque meds and blood thinners. I've had 2 strokes in the last year and 3 or 4 mini strokes and I still don't take my meds. I hope I die, I want mother nature to do what I can't. I'll feel weird, chest pains, heart palpatayions, something I can't explain. Instead of seeking help I go to sleep and hope it's finally the end. When I do take my meds I tend to take lots of them. I've od'd a couple times where I've be hospitalized but there's been 100's of times nobody noticed. I guess I want it to look like and accident. A couple times I've take 500+ pills but just slept an few days. Other times I just take and whole bottle on muscle relaxers(the heart is muscle) or a bottle of blood thinners. I always wake up. I do a lot of risky behavior on the off chance it'll go bad for me. I'll try to pick fights with people twice my size or a group of people. I keep looking for peace but I just can't find it. I hate myself, if I could get rid of me the rest of my life would be great.