The Reality I Didn't See

He was so charming when we met. Always said the right things, was always there when I needed him. I let him into my life, something I don't do often. Everything was great, for awhile. Something changed in him though. At first it was just little arguments over nothing. He would always apologize for the harsh things he said, and I would forgive him. But then it started happening more and more. He became controlling. Everywhere I went, he wanted to know. Everyone I talked to, he wanted to know. Everything I did was wrong. He told my friends they couldn't talk to me. Told my family to stay away from me. I justified his actions to myself. Told myself he only does it because he loves me. It got to the point I couldn't leave the house without him comming out and looking for me.

I was holding on to the the idea of who he was when we met, not realizing who he had become. Or what I was becoming. Everyone had warned me from the begining what he was. But the side he showed me was sweet and compasionate. Being one that has had many judgements passed, I ignored the words of everyone that loved me.

He came home one day, the stench of alcohol surrounding him, ranting about something that had happened. His words were slurred, and i said "i can't understand you." That was it. He attacked me. threw me onto the ground. hit me over and over. And as suddenly as it started, it stopped. He apologized so many times. asked forgiveness. promised it would never happen again. He had never been physically violent with me before, and i was sure he was sorry for what he had done. I should have known better.

We hadn't talked or seen eachother all day. I decided not to wait up for him and went to bed. He came home while i was sleeping. I don't know what set him off, but something had. He was screaming and shakeing me until i woke up. he started hitting me, over and over. I begged him to stop, but it was as if he couldn't hear me.

Some people say, when you are in a relationship with someone there is no such thing as rape. But what happened that night, relationship or not, was forced. Afterwards, he locked me in the bathroom. I was bleeding and shaking and scared. I could still hear him yelling in the other room. He would come to the bathroom and pound on the door, but never came in. Everytime he hit the door, i became more terrified than i was before. I couldn't take it anymore. I opened the bathroom window slowly, trying to be silent i poped the screen out and jumped. Covered in blood and only a long tee-shirt to cover me, I ran.

I found a phone, called my parents to come get me. I told them not to ask when they saw me. they didn't need to though. they could guess what had happened. I decided to leave town for a while, to collect myself. For the next couple weeks he tried calling, came looking for me at my friends and parents, but nobody would tell him where i was. When i came home, i found he had destroyed most of my belongings and skipped town. I still get a panicked feeling sometimes when i see people that reseble him. Or cars that look like his. And i wonder all the time, why it took so long for me to try and get away? why couldn't i see what he had become? or perhaps, what he was all along?
graceyrose graceyrose
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

It seems like how it usually starts out...they are the perfect gentleman...then slowly they start controlling you and who communicate with, so they can isolate you. Make you feel as if you have no one to turn to. Then they strike...my abuser actually used this perverse power he had and fear I had for him to force me under duress to write bad checks, which ended up going to jail for. And even then, laying on my bunk on jail, I didn't tell anyone he made me do it because he had put the fear of death on me if I did. When I finally got out after 3 months I was in the middle of ND in -40 temps with no coat or gloves and who picked me up and trapped me again? Yep, he did. There was nothing I could do because I had nowhere else to go....I had to bide my time, working at mcds while he sat on his butt doing nothing all day until one day, he was in the shower and I was supposed to be going to Walmart to put my pay on his card an instead, scared out of my mind, I took off on foot in the snow with nothing but a backpack of things I could stuff in it without him seeing, leaving all my worldly possessions behind. I found a nice cab driver at a 7-11 when I stopped to ask for directions and he gave me a free ride to the greyhound station. I was so scared he would come after me...but I got away. Still, even now though, that check issue causes me not to be able to find work. Why isn't there more help for abused women? I'm glad you found the strength to get away too! ;)

sorry you had to go through all that

our experiences are what makes us who we are. It was a horrible, but made me stronger.

thats one good way of looking at it...do you still enjoy a relationship with a guy ?

I am in a relationship right now, we've been together for a little more than a year. I do care for him very much, but I can't bring myself to let him into my life completely. With time perhaps I will. But for now, it is what it is.

i can understand that,,

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