English Humor Rules.

Here are several very important but often
forgotten rules of English:

For my fellow amature writers out there, enjoy!

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences
with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old
hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are
unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson
once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you
know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than
understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a
snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid
colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be
derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable,
one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance
against such loquacious, effusive, voluble
verbosity that the calculated objective of
communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.

25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the
verbs.

26. Don't use no double negatives.

27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more
infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when
there are too many of them, or when they should
be, say, semicolons.

28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some
out or forget to finish

29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the
reader saturates and what you really should be
doing is using commas and semicolons and even
periods to break the sentence up into more
digestible chunks.

30. To have been using excessively complex verb
constructions, is to have been bopping the
literary baloney.

31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he
been forgetting his helper verbs.

auth. unk.

Dx

Mountainman923518 Mountainman923518
56-60, M
8 Responses Aug 12, 2007

RLMAO!!!!!! I nearly fell off my chair I was laughing so hard....LOL!!!! Thanks for sharing :)

I am so glad that someone posted the rules for good writing. I`ve read them and i am even more convinced of doing what i want and forgetting the rules exists again. :)<br />
For now, for me, and for some, the importance is the ex<x>pression; the fingers flying in free form thought; the love of making new words up; and the brash determination in flying beneath the rule radar. Yeah.<br />
Hope I broke some there...............

By "your book" I assume you mean - Invisible Driving - and by sales I assume you mean revenue from Amazon.com - which sells it. This of course is a closely held secret - although I will volunteer that I am now at the point where Lisa and I can comfortably go to Denny's for a Grand Slam breakfast and have enough left over for a good tip. One writes for love, for passion - not for lucre, which is a good thing - since it is fabulously elusive. My publicist is far too busy posting potentially amusing snippets of flotsam and jetsam on EP to do me any good at all. He may be creative, but he lacks the killer instinct required in a closer.

You are far too humble ElLagardo, I beleive you left out two wee items of many that distinguish and personalize good writers. creativity and humor. Both present in abundance in what little i have seen of your book so far. <br />
How are sales going so far? Hopefully your publicist brings a equally creative approach to marketing it as you did in creating it.

People overcomplicate the writing process. It's really much simpler than one might imagine. After all, other people already invented all the words you need, and still others assembled them neatly in a book where they are conveniently arranged by first letter. (The meanings are there as well.) All you have to do is get them in the right order.

I totally agree sweetd, On here i write for the fun of communicating alone and if ya read my misspelled and ill punctuated stuff ya will soon realize it. I have a perfectly functional word processor , spell check etc ad fin. as well but I tear the time away from strickly tructured stuff to be on here and refuse to destroy the sp[ontanity of it. being a horrific typist dosent help much either. hahahaha<br />
If it's nae fun do something else. <br />
Dx

Geez, if anyone actually followed all those restictive rules there'd be nothing to write. Your imagination would be crushed. The same with creativity.

Hmmmm, such restrictive rules, ruins ruminations and recollections.