I Must Decrease, For Him to Increase In Me.
As a child I chose to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. But all my life I have been following all of the urges of my sinful human nature. On June the 20th of 2008 I had an emotional breakdown. I felt it coming on for several days beforehand, but there was no desire in me to seek any type of help. I was very quiet and withdrawn, no one seemed to notice that I was sinking out of sync with life.
Late that night, as I shut off the T.V. and stared into the space of the living room where I was sleeping. A heaviness came over me. I felt as if I was being pushed down into the earth. I cried out to God, “Go ahead! Take me out of this miserable life! I don't feel like I have any purpose in even being here anyway! If you won't hear my prayers and give me guidance, what's the use?”
I was ready to leave family and friends behind to accept my rest in the grave. I could not feel any meaning to my life, nothing I did or was going to do made any real sense to me. What's the point of working hard everyday if you have no idea what you are working so hard for? I did not want to have to struggle with my sinful desires anymore, I wanted to be a good Christian, but I felt my weakness in flesh had taken over my ability to be of any use to God. I saw nothing else in life worth living for. So I was ready to be pushed down and into my grave.
But God revealed to me that He was not finished with me yet. He told me that my sins had already been paid for, and that I did indeed have a purpose that He had given to me. He revealed to me that purpose in the following weeks of my life. I had asked Him once to let me be of service to Him. He had answered me, but still, I was listening to my own sinful desires and didn't hear Him.
This time, I had a break from the urges of my sinful human nature, I had a chance to see that God had in fact laid out a path for me to take. The season for selling ice cream was closing fast, and that was my business. The question was, what to do next? I asked, Lord? My Sovereign Lord? What is it that you would have me do? He reminded me that I had once asked Him to allow me to help build a nearby church I found when I first came to Kansas City. Before the church had opened it's doors to the public, I knelt at the altar and prayed to God to let me help build this church up. So I went back to that church. It had been built up quite a bit since I was there last, over six years had gone by.
I spoke to the Reverend about a job and she told me that the church needed someone to help clean and repair little stuff, but they could only pay me for 20 hours a week. I knew that would not be enough to live on, but I took it anyway. Later, the Program Director asked me if I would like to tutor students in the after-school program? I said sure! She told me that there would probably be only 12-15 hours a week involved. I said OK. I saw myself living modestly with that.
Today I am the Administrative assistant to the Reverend of the church, I still clean the church everyday, I still tutor the students after school, and I often give the Sunday sermon to the congregation. God is with me everyday. And my sinful nature gets very little attention from me. I'm not perfect, Jesus Is!