Kind Of A Half Electra Complex. It's Complex.

First up, I probably should give some background info to explain my situation. Don't worry I'll make it quick.

I'm an only child with older parents (late 50's) who's always felt slightly uncomfortable about the social dynamic of my immediate family. My mum is very much the top dog of the social hierarchy, while my dad has pretty much always acted more like an older brother than a father to me. In that sense he has always been more relaxed and playful around me than mum.

Dad is a very sweet, loving person, to the point that he is still deeply attached to both his mother and older sisters and is very happy to do anything to make them happy. He also had a wife before my mum who died (presumably of some illness, this first wife has pretty much been swept under the carpet for all intents and purposes) leaving my dad depressed for years after her death. I bring this up because it means that dad was already spreading himself thin even before I was born.

When I was a very small child my mum and I were really close. However as I got older she seems to have realised that yet again, dad would choose someone over her, in this case me. The older I got the clearer it became that dad’s priorities were very much torn between the two of us. Meanwhile dad and I would find ourselves both trying to please mum, who became increasingly distant, especially towards me.

In other words I found myself in competition with BOTH my parents for the other parents love. Of course I was virtually guaranteed of my dad’s love but even now I’m not sure that my mum truly loves me or whether she secretly loathes me despite herself for coming between her and her husband. However I can't help but "enjoy" the idea of being number one in dad's heart too, which is pretty sick (though I probably should point out that he loves me as a daughter, it’s just unconditional).

As for the sexual aspect (as opposed to the more emotional side of things), I actually have mild sexual fantasies about both my parents (I’m bisexual). Nothing major compared to some other people (which makes me doubt whether my story legitimately belongs here) but I have had the sudden urge to pretty much jump one parent or the other, more often dad. It’s quite scary because it often comes right out of the blue and I sometimes get concerned I might act on it, almost with thinking and pretty much straddle him and shove my tongue down his throat.

Other than that I don’t usually think of my dad sexually unless we’re out or something and he’s acting more mature, worldly and knowledgeable than his usual trickster side. Incidentally I find those characteristics almost intoxicating in other men too.

My main issue though is the tension between my mum and I because of this development and whether or not I can ever know she loves me or earn her love if she doesn’t. This insecurity has also translated to my relationships with other women, to the point I'm pretty much convinced that I’m incapable of being in a long term relationship with a woman. On the other hand I tend to be a lot more confident when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships with men.

It’s also funny that the vast majority of my friends think that I have perfect family life. Little do they know…

PsychoCupid PsychoCupid
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Something that has helped me reduce my anxiety in situations like that, is writing down the causes of your situation, your present feelings and toughts (as you have just done here), and after that thinking of a plan. How do you see the future of you and your parents? How would you like it to be? (Not desire, no: want. Not the same) and then, think what you are going to do, what gadgets inside you are going to help you get through this and reach that future. And what are your actions going to be in the situations you share with your parents.
Never deny your feelings, and be strong, every bad thing has an end!

Damn, you can certainly analyze relationships. To read your story, one would think you are a psychoanalyst. I have often heard psychologists say that the reasons behind behavior don't matter too much. What matters is the here and now, what makes you happy, and how you do what you can to make the best of what's there. Give them both the hugs and I love yous and enjoy the results, not worrying about the dynamics. Over analyzing will drive you crazy.