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.. And I Wish It Wasn't So, But It Is.

I seem constantly lost in memories, haunted by my past.. The Irony of it is that I haven't really had a bad one. Yes, I have had my heart broken a couple times and I suppose certain physical challenges have made my life, just that, a bit more challenging, but that is truly about it when it comes to honest hardships. I have a loving family, I have good friends, I have my health and am not horrible looking. I've always been treated well and compared to so many, I have no real reason to complain or be unhappy. But the truth is that I am NOT happy, and its all because I can't seem to let go. 
I cant seem to let go of missed opportunities. I can't seem to forgive myself for procrastinating and waisting time. I seem to for ever be going "shoulda' coulda' woulda', and it keeps me from moving forward. I know its a vicious cycle but I cant seem to get out of it. Rather than foraging ahead constructively I find myself stuck in the past. In things that I can no longer change; Mistakes, Chances lost, Loves lost.
And there's even more irony in the probability that I may have lost my last Great Love over just this... I know that if she were reading this she would shake her head thinking "regrets are a waist of time. You can't change the past and life is what you make of it." and how right she is. I know she is, I knew she was, but still I couldn't let go of old fears, of fresh regrets. She was quickly stripping me of them, making the idea of a future far too beautiful to be held off by the past, a reality.. True I could not redo what has already come to pass, but I could remedy all that. Its never too late to make changes and self improve, to replant ambition where once it flourished before regret fear and regret took over.
But, for whatever the reason (because to be honest I don't really know what it was, I can only make speculations) She left, and with her leaving my newly foraged resolve to let go of regret was shattered.
I still fight with myself: I know better, I understand that I have gotten myself into a rut and the only thing that it takes to get me out of it is to be proactive. To quit clutching onto ghosts and let go... But even now, when glimmers of hope and future potential are finding there way into my life again, I just can't let go. I cant stop thinking of my ex. Of what thing said or unsaid, done or undone, might have tipped the scale, pushed her away. If I would have been more ambitious, less dominant? More prudent? or less inhibited? Damn it if I was just stronger in every way, than I am, could things have been different than they are now... Would she have stayed? I know I should let go, she would want me to, and I want to, because I  know I was good to her and she was good to me. I know we loved each other and in our own ways we gave it our best... She isn't coming back, not ever, because unlike me, she dose NOT look back - "regrets are a waist of time" . Isn't that all I should need to let go? Yes, but Its not.
I still love her. I still miss her. Not a day goes by that I don't replay precious memories and think of how things could have been.. No, I know all about falling in love, but climbing back out is a whole other story. 
I want to let go. I am sick of living like this. I have my whole life ahead of me and I am watching it catch up and start passing me with every day.
I know better .. but I need help letting go
Poodlelez Poodlelez 22-25, F Jul 18, 2011

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