Why Do I Still Struggle With This?

I started cutting when I was about 15 to deal with some tremendous emotions and depression, as well as trying to deal with the frustration of some well meaning but TERRIBLY un-informed parents.

I have not cut in a while (maybe a year?), but I still feel the urge to do so when things get stressful. Especially when my husband and I are in a fight. It's like, I swallow down all this emotion and then it has no where to go, so it comes out in an intense desire for self-injury.
Since I am a mother of two, and I also have Lyme Disease, so I am in the doctor's office ALOT, I don't want to have any new cuts on my arms and have them send me back to the psych ward (again). This is honestly the only thing now that keeps me from cutting, although I do other not-so-obvious things like piercing my skin or pulling out my hair, or taking excruciatingly hot or cold showers.

Maybe I'm just trying to punish myself for all my sins. I dunno. Either way, I don't think this kind of desire just magically goes away when you grow up. I am married with children and STILL struggle.  
Starlatheimmortal Starlatheimmortal
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Kimberly,<br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your similar experience. I did stab a bit, too. It seemed to depend on the type of emotion or frustration and the intensity of it... either calling for a slow, painful release, or a quick burst of pain to respond to whatever was going on at the time.<br />
<br />
I started when I was going through <br />
a lot a family problems at age 15. It's interesting how something can persist for so many years. <br />
<br />
Again, thank you for sharing. And yes, perhaps the pain will end someday for us :)<br />
<br />
Here's to hoping it will!<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
Starla

Hi, I cut my wrist and arms for about 10 years now. It is really hard to stop because it relieves my pain. I have scars on my whole arm and just started a new thing instead of cutting i started stabing. No one understands the pain it is so overwhelming. I want you to know that I am age 38 and still suffering and maybe we could help each other. I want to know that i understand you so much. Maybe some day the pain will go away for us.<br />
Kimberly