Many Ways

How can I start my story out? Well I hurt my body in many ways then one. I am a cutter, drinker, sleeping pills Popper, and last but not least I also suffer from intense episodes of depression to the point I think my body is shutting down on me. I started cutting in the 6th grade at the age of 12. I remember getting mad one day and accidentally ran a shaver down my arm and in that one slice I felt a sudden relief. While trying to figure out where the rush came from I repeated the cut and it came once more. From that day on I was hook and graduated from my arm to my thigh to keep my cutting a secret because I knew people would have thought I was crazy. As the years flew by I notice my high came from seeing the blood leak out the cut and thinking in such a weird way that the blood that was oozing out somehow carried my pain also. I started doing it so much that I had to change clothes like five times a day doing my high-school years. When I started opening up to my friends no one understand so I decided to hide my sweetest pleasure so that no one would try to take it away from me. Til this day I still cut and much deeper then those many years ago. I smile through my pain to try and fake it until I make myself believe I'm truely happy when I am not. Sometimes it work and sometimes it don't. Once I turned 21 I started to try and drink my pain away but that does noting but push them down until I sober up again but any little relief helps. I find myself crying and tossing and turning all night long at times so one day at Walmart I picked up over the counter sleeping pills and I was so happy to escape and dream about a better life foe me that YEP I got hooked on them also. I am not saying I have no problems and I am not.even.trying to say I'm in denial. All my issues I bare openly praying and wishing someone can save me before I lose myself entirely.Itone thing to hear about someone losing themselves but when you are actually watching yourself it hurts so much more. Sometimes some battles are not meant to be won...Admitting defeat is the only option.
poohlover26 poohlover26
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 30, 2011

I have been having hard times as well and been cutting myself as well. But I found out that to be feeling well, I need to sleep on a regular ba<x>se. To be tired all the time is not handy if you are trying to cope with yourself.<br />
I do think it is possible to be a happy masochist. But I don't think it is possible to be happy if you are allways tired.. anyways, good luck and I wish you all the luck in the world!