What A Release

A warm wave flows through my body , a QUICK flood of warmth, from my toes up to my face. My pulse is racing, I'm sweaty and hot, yet cold chills are running up my spine. Butterflies in my stomach. Thoughts are racing through my head. Your a worthless drug addict, no wonder your dad shoved your face in your own vomit, pulling you out of bed by the hair. Punching,slapping he threw me to the ground took my clothes off and whipped me with a belt, my mom crying pleading for him to stop. No wonder he did this to me, my mind tells me, your worthless. A burden diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, psychosis, depression, post traumatic stress disorder. I can hear someone tell me that person is against me, is trying to control my thoughts, but nobody is there. The pressures of life build and build, the emotional pain is unbearable, I can't take it. But I know what will make me feel better, for a little bit anyway, momentary relief flows through me as I cut with the razor. The razor pierces my skin, oh it hurts but feels good at the same time. I lick the blood away tasting its familiar salty flavour. I can feel some of the emotions ease up but I'm not done yet. A couple more slices to release me from emotional breakdowns, and a few deeper ones as punishment because I'm a failure,weak,burdensome, waste of air. I was physically abused for the first 5 years of my life. The incident mentioned earlier was just one of a daily cocktail of strangling, hair pulling, punches, kicks to the ribs and stomach, so hard that at 4 years old after he shoved my face obtuse vomit he kicked me so hard in the stomach that I go pee and poo in my pants, he takes my clothes off and whips me with his belt. I'm 3 years old My dad wants me to be tough so I'm forced to eat raw chili peppers, I try to not cry but can't help cry as a force the burning hot peppers down my 3 year old throat. I cry though so Il beaten for it. Fast forward to my teenage years, I'm 14 and I DO heroin and crack cocaine for the first time. My god where have you been my whole life. I'm in heaven. Im hooked. Three years later at 17 I'm living on the street , sleeping underneath the #1 highway overpass in Vancouver Canada. Unsaid up every morning dope sick, I need my heroin. The cocaine is.to get high feel good, have amazing sex. The heroin makes it so you don't ****** easily, it takes 45 minutes usually, and the cocaine just enhances all your senses. So know you see I'm a 30 year old drug addict, with mental health issues. I have given up , most days I just want to lay in the dark alone and cut myself,hurt myself. I deserve it.