When It's All You Can Think About, It'll Drive You Mad

Everyday. Every night, it's all I can think about. It's been 2 months, and I'm trying to stop. But then I remember how ashamed I feel to be me, how angry I am at myself. I need to make another scar, another lesson to myself of all the things I need to change, a reminder of all the things that go wrong, all the people that don't care. I try to remember those that care, the things that go right.

I just feel so useless, so ugly, and when my chest feels like it's collapsing on itself and I wouldn't mind falling asleep and never waking up, I think about the cold blade, the slight sting but the satisfying blood that oozes from the wound. I want that feeling so bad, but I made a promise to stop, and I'm doing all I can do to keep that promise to the couple of people that mean the world to me.
WeAllFallDown WeAllFallDown
18-21, F
4 Responses Jun 27, 2012

what happens if you drink alcohol ?

well first of all it's about when I want to drink, I drink when I'm stressed or depressed, its a means to an end instead of something social. I crave the burning sensation and one drink is never enough. I prefer drinking alone because then I don't have to worry about what other people think. in public, i can't drink as much...

what are you other addictions besides cutting ?

food mostly, i have to be very careful about alcohol and I've never done drugs because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do...

some of us think that cutting is addictive.

those people would be right, it doesn't help that i have an addictive personality. I mean I remember the exact day I started cutting and why. I know what triggers me. It's a crutch, just like alcohol or drugs or whatever else.

were you sexually abused in your childhood ?

no... to be completely honest, i don't have a "good reason" for how I am...