What Keeps Me Going Right Now
I thought I'd share this in case maybe it can help someone else get through hard times. It may not be the best method, I don't really know. I all I know is that it helps me.
I've been thinking a lot about suicide recently. Not that I would do it, but it just keeps popping into my head. Questions like would i be able, how would i do it, could i get sleeping pills, would i jump off a building. People always say, focus on what's important, realize there are people who love you, etc and these are all good and helpful, but at the end of the day they never get through to me, and certainly never change anything. Here's what really keeps me going.
When you commit suicide, there is nothingness. Everything ends. All the problems go away. If you are going to commit suicide, it is the worst possible moment in your life. After suicide, none of the trappings of life matter. Your money, your family, your friends, you job. They are all meaningless in the nothingness of death. All one has to say then is let me wait one day to commit suicide. The next day I can do whatever I want, because even if I lost all my money, alienated all my friends and family, and lost my job, if I was just going to commit suicide anyways I would have lost those things. If I lose them tomorrow, I can still commit suicide. Eventually I think the result is that you stop trying to live for other people, because you realize that you do not have to live at all! All the pressures of expectation are meaningless, because who cares about what people think about you after you are dead. You always have the trump card of suicide if things really become unbearable, but what I think is far more likely is that things will get way better since you will start living only for yourself and realizing what matters, which will in turn ultimately connect you to the people that are really important to you.