I Came So Close

I have been depressed for awhile, but nobody knows about it. I have been questioning life and the point of it for months. i do use drugs to kind of help myself, i smoke weed and sometimes take X, if you never have done ecstacy you cant understand what it does for a person with depression. Whenever i do either of these things it makes me feel like i can make it to at least the next day, or last until the relative freedom of a weekend. One day though, i had had an extremley awful day, when i got to my house i sat in my room for 2 hours just fuming and getting angry at existance, questioning why i had to be alive. Couldnt whatever had put me here exchange me for somebody that wanted to be? I opened my 'good times' drawer and saw the 6 pills in the bag, i stared at them for 10 mins, opened the bag, put all 6 in my mouth, and drank them down. I was scared and excited at what might happen. I ended up dancing for about 4 hours, and then started throwing up for 30 mins, took my temp, 104.7, and knew this was not how i wanted to die. I ran a freezing cold bath, dropped myself in and passed out, i woke up to my cousin shaking me awake in my bed. Turns out he got home as soon as i got in the bath and saw me starting to slide under the water, pulled me out and got me to bed. He is the only reason im still alive right now, and the only reason i havent tried to kill myself again is because i want to help him however i can. But i still dont want to be alive.