back when i was younger it was so much easier to try and get away with overdosing... living with my hubby i cant even cut and im just building up with rage. i have no release... someone help me.. im breaking inside and the only way im still going on is by being drugged up or drunk constantly... someone save me...
tehkittehh tehkittehh
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 19, 2012

Look to spiritualism. Does not matter which religion or philosophy. The all really just try to make you feel small. Diminish the ego and give you some comfort. Are you religious or philosophical at all?

you need a good dose of discipline, Missy. a good OTK spanking will take your mind off of the waste of, "oh woe is me..."
straight answer.

Hi Kittehh,

I feel your pain, I really do. No one can end your pain but you. You are the creator. You create your personal reality in every minute of every day. I hope you will take a moment and read my story, "The Day I Died Was The Best Day of My Life". It is why I am here on EP. I've written several stories that I think may point you in a positive direction. It will be up to you to read them and decide.

Eckhart Tolle felt much like you at one point in his life. In his book, "The Power of Now" he tells the story of how in the depths of depression he was ready to take his life. He went to his medicine cabinet and started selecting his death cocktail. When he closed the medicine cabinet door, he look in the mirror, saw himself and said, "I hate myself". In that very instant he was saved. In that moment he realized there was an I and a self. But which was he? Was he the I or was he the Self?

You see we all have this voice in our head. It judges EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, many times YOU are the one it judges most harshly. The voice is the Egoic mind. It is a learned voice. YOU, the real you... The infinite you. The soul, the spirit, the source existed before there was a voice. The thoughts in your head are not what is real. They are merely thoughts.

Most people live either in the future or in the past and here is what their voices say to them, respectively. Those who live in the future tell themselves; "when I get out of this marriage...Then I will be happy", "when I find love....Then I will be happy", "When I get that new car...When I get that new job....When I finish school.......Then I will be happy". Their mind is so full of the future that they are unable to enjoy the moment of the NOW.

People who live in the past (which is where I suspect you are since your pain goes back to a time of cutting yourself) say things like, "If I had been loved as a child...Then I would be happy", "If I had not been abused...Then I would be happy", "If this hadn't happened to me...Then I would be happy", "If my husband had only given me support...Then I would be happy". The same is true for these people as it is for those living in the future... They cannot be happy because they are unable to experience the now and it is in the NOW you will find your happiness. Happiness is not out there somewhere waiting for you to find it or for it to find you. Happiness is and has always been within YOU. You are the creator of your own personal reality.

Stop blaming the world for your situation, babygirl. Realize YOU have the power within to change everything. Tolle says, to end the suffering or unsatisfactoriness of life you have 2 choices. 1) Change the situation. Move. Leave. Start all over. If you are unable to do this then you have to 2) Change your mind about the situation you are in.

To change your mind start looking for the beauty that surrounds you. It is everywhere you look. From the petals of a flower to the warmth of sunshine. Start looking at all that you have. Stop focusing on what is missing in your life. Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change. I wish you well. I truly, truly wish you well. But it is YOU and YOU only that controls your happiness. You will never find it in another person or thing. In fact because you are looking for it, means you don't have it and if you don't have it...It must be missing. It is NOT missing! It is within YOU!

Please read my stories think they will point you in a direction that will allow you to experience the happiness that you feel is missing. You are a beautiful young woman......Claim the happiness that is yours.

Wishing you inner peace, love and happiness,

In a night were pain, depression and anxiety were governing my mind, your letter gave me a reason to leave my thoughts aside...I just remember how much I love yellow tulips, and how i love to play with the petals of them, to lick them and stick them in my forehead to pretend I have the sun superpower. Thx, big eye opener, I think I am going to read your letter each time Im down.
Thx a lot Ken