Pretending Has It's Limits. Over It.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. My eyes burn everytime I cry, literally burns. Sometimes I wish I had a friend I could talk to about anything, but I don't. A mother that actually listens and care? But I don't. ya know, this thanksgiving my mother didnt even want to spend it with her kids. She, instead, went to new York. I join so many clubs at school just because I feel like at least those people care about me. Want to be around me. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'd tell people how I really feel. It's easier to lie, to pretend your life is perfect. Does it make me a bad person that I hate seeing happy couples, caring parents, even those pictures in frames evoke a bit of dislike. I don't know what I'm going to do. I went to a convention earlier and there was a keynote speaker talking about her brother committing suicide. What she didn't know was that there was much more going through his head. Stuff that he couldn't tell anyone, stress, pressure, feeling like a failure in your own eyes. I bottle everything up and shelve it. And now, I don't think I can do it any longer. I thought about overdosing on pills, but I'm worried about vomiting them up and ******* up my own suicide. I have access to a gun, I could just do it that way. Fast and quick. But, the first attempt has to be successful. I thought about this a lot. Once I get the courage, I'll go through with. My mom would be relieved, besides, she never wanted me anyways. When I was younger she actually told me I was the product of untied tubes. I can take being a mistake baby, but a medical malfunctioned baby.... Kinda stays with a person. My aunt and cousins ******* hate me because I didn't go to public high school. My grandmother doesn't like me, she prefer my cousins. So, all in all, I'd actually be doing people a favor. 
Remainingrelevent99 Remainingrelevent99
22-25, F
Dec 1, 2012