Ive Been Thinking About Suicide For 6 Years Now.

I was 8 or 9 years old when i lost my virginity. I was a kid i didn't know what was going on. One of my older cousins he must have been 15-16 came in my room while my parents were at work. He told me never to tell because we'd get beaten and in trouble. As a kid i was scared and confused. this went on for another year. then he moved and another pair of cousins moved in and they both sexually harassed me and one of them ended up having intercourse with me i was 11 when this happened and i didn't tell anyone because i was scared that i was going to get in trouble. Also, i had two uncles that lived there and they would also beat me, spit in my mouth and basically hit me everytime they had a chance. it was like a sport to them. i would get in trouble for every little thing and i would get a beating. I began to fear men and i'm still uncomfortable around them. when i was 12 i took all the pills i could find and began taking them. i prayed to god i would die but i didn't . I tried everyday but i would always wake up. Then my parents brought my two brothers from my country and one of them i hate so much for beating me up over spilling water we live together and i havent spoken to him in 6 years now. and i hate him so bad, im scared for my life and i recently got a puppy and i cant let my puppy out of my room when hes here because im afraid he will hurt him. my puppy has to be in my 10'x10' room all day long and i dont have a car and i want to move out for my safety and my puppy's safety too. i hate being here im a prisoner in my own home. I just want to move out i tried looking for a job but no luck. I want to go far from here. ive told my parents about my virginity being taken away and beating and stuff but they dont care. ive though about taking my life and my puppies life so that we dont have to continue this bad life. he is very active and i love him very much but i hate seeing him sleep all day long because i cant even let him roam the house i hate it. Today i was thinking about taking both our lives. i love him soo much he is very happy when i get home from school and i know he lives me but i just cant anymore. my mom always yells at both of us for his accidents and stuff but i tried to train him but they aren't helping. hes good with me. i just hate it here and i want to get away but i have no money or a place to go. maybe i jus need to end it and stop giving my mom headaches.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 18, 2013