Thinking About It..

the crazy thing is anyone who knows me would say I am the most positive person they know...tears of the clown...

I am married with young kids but we are just room mates raising kids, I have been out of work for almost 18 months, I have creditors calling me on a daily basis.  So far I have been able to put most of them off but I am running out of time.   Most of my bills are coming up on 6 months overdue...this is the amount of time a credit card company will keep you on the books after that they discarge the debt and turn it over to a collection agency. 

I feel like a failure in not being able to provide for my family, and I harbor a lot of hostility for my wife... I did not want to have kids but relented for her sake.  She wanted a family in a bad way so I reluctantly agreed.  It took over 2 years of IVF treatments and I had to take on a second job at 45 yrs old stocking shelves at a grocery store because the insurance I had at my full time job would not cover the cost associated with IVF procedures.

Now after a few years of raising kids together she seems no happier than before we had them, and I am not at all happy, although I am a really fun and loving father. I am tormented by the fact that we had a business that was providing a nice income but she was the driving force behind the business and has basically abonded it all together...I have made half hearted attempts to hold it together but I am angry that she has lost her passion for it and I am also pissed because I always knew with my background and experence and lack of a degree I would never earn enough to support a family...Had I known the income from the business would be not contribute to our household I would have never agreed to start a family.

Over the last year I have been battling gout in my ankle as well as hip bursitis...I am not a heavy drinker nor do I eat a ton of red meat...Ironicially since I have been researching gout and diet extensivley the last year I have made some great progress...I have dropped 20# and feel pretty good most hip and shins still bother me but overall my health is better today than it was 6 months ago.

I own a life insurance policy that would provide my wife and kids 650K upon my death...I am well passed the "sucicide" clause.... my wife and kids would never have another financial worry in their lives with this money and I think she and the kids would be better off...certainly no more struggles like we are having now...

I am frustrated and angry and don't have the drive to make a difference anymore...I will be 50 in Jan and have accomplished nothing in my life...I know having kids is a big deal but if you asked me if I had the choice to do it all over again I would not get married nor would I have kids
frankiez frankiez
3 Responses May 9, 2012

Dude, your wife didn't make those kids, you both did, with the love you both have for each other. Those babies are your own flesh and blood, and I can bet that your own parents or your grandparents had it much tougher then you do right now, Not to make you feel bad, I'm just saying, that you don't have to to be this perfect effing nuclear golden dream family. all families are different, and you have to love thegood parts, and learn from the rest. And if that doesn't help, hire a nanny and take a 6 hour nap. nothing wrong with that.<br />

What you can't see, I believe, is how your children feel about you on an emotional basis. You are their father, and care for you deeply. I'm sure you've talked with numerous people about your financial state. Hang in there, wish you best of luck.

Aw :( this sounds awful! It sounds to me that you're really depressed, but try not to be too angry at your wife; afterall, she's in the same position as you. But I can see why you'd be so frustrated.<br />
I think your best bet would be to seek out help with money, maybe from a friend or a family member? And maybe your wife could get a part time job too (if she doesn't already), but the real issue is you and your wifes relationship. I think you need to sit down and talk to her, she needs to know that the decisions in the household should be neutral, don't just give into something you're not 100% happy with. Just do what makes you, your wife and kids happy.