All I Wanted Was Love

i was always the problem child the kid with the mental issues, the crazy chick who takes meds and sees a therapist or the girl who was admitted twice. i was always her. nobody understood what i was going through they all just exempted me and saw me as the crazy one. i was the depressed girl who cuts 56 times a week the girl who would hear voices the girl who was bi polar and the girl who was lonely scared and confused. people made fun of me for being bi polar. people laughed at me and called me emo, people left my side when i needed them the most and all i needed was love. i was the girl who always called cps when my dad hit me or my bother. and i also was the girl who cps didnt beleive all i  needed was someone to listen all i wanted was love. what is love why am i saying it if i dont even know what it means is getting abused love, is getting madefun of love if thats not love then i dont know what it is. i was left alone for what it seems. people tried to help but they didnt understand me. i was this lonely girl in a huge world with so muh pain and no one cared for me. i know what painkillers are they take away the pain in your body and make you feel better. i took alot of those because i wanted to feel better i didnt want to hurt anymore i just wanted to die pain free and feel better. i got dizzy and i felt weak (maybe its working) nope i fell and i woke up in the nurses office on the cot thingy and i was frusturated because the ainkillers didnt work and now i have to live lonely sad life. the next time i attempted suicide i jumped from this deck it was kind high but not massively high i tried to purposly land wrong but it didnt work i just got intense bruses. but hey what can i say all i wanted was love.
apml apml
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 5, 2012

aww hun

I understand the being made fun of, the abuse, and people not listening to you. If it helps you can talk to me about it I will do what I can to help if you want I'm always available for those that need someone to listen.

Skiez, I can empathize with the pain you feel about not getting the love you need, to be abused, to be made fun of and to want to make the pain go away permanently. I've had counselors that didn't understand I needed more than a 50 minute session of talking about my problems-or pills--I needed real answers, solutions, to know how to fix it so I wouldn't be in so much pain on the inside. And I can't say that I ever found a complete solution. It's been 30 years since I was about your age, and I still feel the same pains, just, it's not as bad as it was 30 years ago.<br />
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If you are being physically abused, you MUST keep telling other adults-- teachers at school, the principal, a friends' mom-- just keep at it until someone listens to you. <br />
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But also, especially for yourself, to help you ease the pain you feel inside, write it down in a journal and keep it someplace safe. I found that it helped me to write all the **** I was feeling down in a journal, sometimes as a poem, sometimes like a diary, sometimes I'd write my feelings into a story about someone else, then make them the heroine who was able to put those people who hurt me behind and go on to live a fantastic life. No one else has ever read my journals, I still keep them to myself, and I still occasionally write a poem or story when I'm feeling like my *** is being kicked by people again, and it does help a lot. <br />
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Hang in there!