Was A Long Time Ago.

I use to be very, very depressed. I have gotten far better and happier since then. But there was a time that I swear I had hit the current rock bottom. Things just weren't going right. We were living in a very gloomy town - Ashland, OR - where the weather was just miserably depressing.. My mom and I had been fighting constantly. My younger sister enjoyed tormenting me. She would pick fights every chance she could; bring up things from so many years before then that she had kept grudges on; scream at me for stuff I didn't do wrong acting like she had some authority over me.. The list goes on but no point in listing off morbid things. (:

Back then, despite my asking about it years before, they didn't realize I had Asperger's. Back then, knowing I had it would have explained so much and maybe would have brought some peace to the conflict that was our home. But, alas, time cannot be undone. What's done is done and gone. Regardless!

I had reached a point during the short 6 months we were in Ashland where everything just started colliding. I had injured my foot right after moving there. Because of some idiotic parent who sent their kid to school with Swine Flu, my sister ended up catching it and bringing it home; I was bedridden for over 2 weeks. Then the schooling system there was ******. This was the start of the horrid, jumbled-up mess that is called my "high school career".. (My sophomore year that is.) I had been seeing this guy via internet that I'd know for short while.. Was probably with him around 3 to 4 months when all the **** hitting the fan started colliding into a gigantic storm of **** being eaten up by the fan.. Err. You get the point.

(Keep in mind, because of my injured foot, I had been helping move stuff in on Monday and Tuesday of a week, and was gonna go back to school on Wednesday. I injured my foot Tuesday and was out the rest of the week. So by the time I came back I was already behind, and, as I mentioned before, the school system was ******..and I became far behind very fast. In my efforts of catching up, maybe a week or so later, my sister comes down with Swine Flu and, with my luck, I catch it from her.. So I was out an additional 2 weeks.. Nearly a month behind on work.. And "pass or fail" projects were coming up within the next few days of my coming back.. There was no way I was gonna be able to catch up.. (And I had been 4 credits ahead from my freshman year..) So I ended up withdrawing so I could try to do an online thing to make up a few credits and go back for the second semester. To which, that didn't work out either...)

Kay, so getting back on track..

Fighting with mother. Sister being a *****. Stressed about school. Feeling like the world was out to get me. Add in some tension from a relationship.. And the fact that I was becoming victim to mood swings, as well as my depression was severely taking a toll on me.. I fell farther into depression..

There was this one day to which I recall vaguely. My mom had left for work but we had just fought. My sister and I had had a spat the night before or such and frankly (as always) she was acting like a ***** towards me.. I'm not sure how or what caused this but I was also really upset at the boyfriend. He had had to go to one of his classes and I think he may have said something that had upset me. It all set me off... And I just stopped caring..

I'm glad I'm a procrastinator to be honest. I'm glad I over-think.

Not sure what or if it was the timing of him messaging back or if I had just somewhat come out of it.. Bottle in hand though, I stopped.

I don't think I would have gone through with it, to be completely honest. I believe suicide to be a selfish thing and I am not a selfish person. I just felt so alone and depressed and just miserable, I guess I got caught up in those negative tides..

I can promise you though, I'm not thinking of doing anything like that anymore. It was a long time ago. And that point in my life is past. And I'm glad it's past. :)
Ariesgrl21 Ariesgrl21
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 24, 2012

I've been through Oregon schools and I know how ****** up and dismal they are here. You'd think a progressive state would do better but apparently not. They didn't even teach the teachers to recognize bullying as a pattern and not isolated incidents. When I was targeted I learned to keep my mouth shut because getting an adult involved usually lead to harsher consequences for ME than for the other kids. Not to mention the way that all of 1-6th was taught by a total of 3 years except for music and PE. You know ms Newman our teacher in all of the time I was there I fail to recall learning a SHRED of physics. I was supposed to know this **** out of elementary. but I don't. It's a miracle I managed to test in the 96th percentile on science. Unlike you though I Had informal supports that were actually supportive as **** fell apart in high school. I can't imagine how horrible that had to be for you love. I wish I had just been left to my own devices. By now Khan Academy is on the web and most of what I really had to learn I can SELF PACE for. Additionally MIT offers college level courses for FREE with opencourseware. I'm TRYING to relearn Maths, and So I can move onto other stuff and test out of that garbage in College. Also Japanese On my own so I can demostrate proficency in SOME other language. Learning gets bettter afterwards but your attitude towards it is permanently soured to view it as WORK instead of FUN because of how the schooling system ***** you up. If I have kids I really want to raise them myself and teach them how to learn on their own and let them learn what they want to learn within certain limits. I don't want to expose them to too much television and i want to encourage them to read but not JUST what's trendy.