When Will My Wings Break?

  In the beginning when I was a young daughter of a happy father and mother I thought life was set. I am a second child of many. I learned to be mature as others around me decisions effected my life. My mother and father divorced when I was still at a early stage enough to remember it changed my brothers, sisters, and my life. I cared for my brothers and sisters as a mother myself; tending to the needs they needed as my mother worked full-time as a single parent.

   I am not perfect, but I understand how to care for people deeper than most people can see, or could. I am not saying I am better than anyone else either, but one of my dreams I live and will be to save others lives tending to care if ill, sick, wounded, or on the urge of giving up I will be there. I am writing this in hopes I am not alone in this area. I can only take so many years of this heavily weight upon my shoulders. It's hard to for me to express how I feel and to take experiences of how I am feeling away. I try to please everyone and change peoples lives. I forget to see I need to search for happiness in my life.

 I am only in my early twenties and cannot see where to turn. I am caught between love, I am torn between family, and I still cannot see clearly. I went from being close to faith in religion into not believing in what I thought was there. I have hope, but that only goes so far. With what is laying in front of me; it feels like I am standing still in a place where people are running the opposite way. All I hope in my heart is for someone, even if one to reach out and tell me I am here to be a guidance.

  All my life, exception of a few years I can honestly say I have never felt as I feel now. Angels exist and I have been one to many; wish I could have one of my own. My story; my wings are slowly being ripped. I am always trying to make people happy. This leaves me torn between two men in my life both of who I've known for four years. They are very different from each other. I am with one and have been for quiet some time. And the other has been there for me before I formed a relationship with this one. What happens when my heart has always loved one for over these years? And he slips into my life again, when I have had a relationship with the other. I never have been with my friend as much as I feel and know my love runs deep for him. He tells me how much he loves me and I understand.

  Now, my relationship feels torn with whom I have been with. It progressively has been even before all fell before me. I am trying to hold on to the relationship I have had; yet I am trying to be a friend to the man I truly love. The reasoning behind all of this can be written into a story. To sum it in one; one is in the military. The one I have a relationship with. I am scared to let him go, he's leaving in two weeks to Afghanistan. He has a family he's not close to and I'm all he has. The man that I truly loved am still good friends with, yet I can't stop thinking about what I feel in my heart for him. I have a deeper connection with this man and have for several years. I am honest individual and have told my boyfriend about my friendship with this other man. He knows and has asked me to stop contact with him. I have been living a lie these last couple weeks and have gone against what he asked. I understand this makes me a untrusting person and no longer honest. I am liar and a piece from one of my wings have been slowly ripping.

  If anyone has ever been asked to stop loving the one you love to lose all contact from what your heart feels? It's not that I don't care for my boyfriend's feelings. I have and always will be loyal to him. I really don't want to lose the love of my life again. I broke his heart before telling him that I felt more for who I am seeing than him. He held onto me, regardless. Fate caught us again and we're now able to have eachother as friends in our lives again. We tell eachother even if we were meant to be together even if after life that it will be.

 I care deep for my boyfriend and we understand eachother. I would hope he would understand I would never do a resent less act to hurt him, or be careless in any situation involving him and I. I want nothing more, but to be faithful to him as long as we are together and get him through this next deployment. For me writing this; my point saying "it is hard trying to see where both men are coming from, from time to time".

  The last experience that I have been thinking of today is my mother, god I love her. Even though she has put me through hell; and I believe some people would agree their mothers have done the same. I love her so much. She's been going through a stage where she needs me in her life. Yet I am here with my boyfriend and cannot be in the same place with her at this time. This can be made into another story, but to make it short. She asked and has been asking advice from me lately for what she's been feeling. As wicked as this sounds; it is demonic what she's been going through. She nearly tells me she was almost sent to a mental institution. My family believes she's crazy, but I believe there was more behind why she's been through what she has. I want nothing more to show her that I care and will be there with her to help her through this. When she tells me this it feels as if another piece of my wing is being ripped gradually.

  Granted I love the people in my life, but when can I feel complete with all this and so many years of feeling what I have been. When can I see happiness, and feel loved myself? I am an angel guiding others, but have a heart too. When can I feel at peace when there's so much going on and people telling me help them? I am trying to help and care. I am trying to make everything fall smooth, but it feels small pieces are being torn from my wings which are my feelings too. The smaller the pieces of my wings are being ripped are feeling large; as holes we see in this earth we don't understand. When will my wings break?

EpithetofDreams EpithetofDreams
22-25, F
Feb 24, 2010