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Should I Get Over Him

I just would like any advice any of you could possibly give me. I dated my first boyfriend at a later age and it was really special. Everything seemed so right and I lost my virginity to him after us both agreeing to wait after a long time to make sure we were both ready. I thought it was really special that WE in fact were really special especially together. Ironic that I would be writing that here right? Well the fact was we had to date long distance because we were both in University and then I moved away to France to pursue teaching for one year. In fact that's where I am writing from right now. Before leaving for France we had a talk and decided to break up because the distance was not ideal and the communication would not be possible. I am a very emotional person and the next day I called him back and said that this wouldn't/shouldn't be the solution. He ignored me and wouldn't talk to me or look at me even in the same room. This lasted the entire summer until I left for France where I finally felt liberated and free from all my sadness and heartache. However a week into arriving here I received a letter saying he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he would do anything for a second chance.This letter was followed by several other letters flowers and a bunch of skype dates to talk about moving on and working it out. I agreed because I know deep down I hadn't lost the feeling I had for him. He told me he hadn't dated anyone else and the only thing he did with another girl was makeout out with her because it felt so wrong when it was not me. Forgiveness is something hard to do but I eventually got over that and we spoke about things that bothered me in the past. Him doing drugs to fit in, getting drunk and him shamelessly having close female friends when he knew it bothered me. I was able to look past all of that until yesterday. I spoke to a close friend of mine and she  encouraged me to ask him if hes been tested for stds as he was planning a visit over here. I thought it was silly considering he only madeout with a girl but the answer he gave me was very strange. So I flat out asked him if he had slept with someone else in the 2 months we weren't dating, and he said yes and that he was dating her at the time and it felt bad so he stopped. The thing that bothers me the most is that he lied about it when I asked him before and the fact that in his letter he said (I thought about you everyday I just couldn't get over you) and then instead hes crawling into bed with this girl because he apparently had one too many beers? this coming from a guy who apparently didn't see anyone or involve himself in that activity a week ago when I asked him. The reason I feel so hurt is the fact that he lied and the fact that he can just sleep with someone so soon after breaking up with me. I realize we were not in a relationship but the fact that she was only his second just makes it that much harder. I am also not a robot so things like this really affect me. What do you guys thing is there even a point to work this out. I feel disgusted every time I think about the two of them (I know her, recently deleted her off fb) I haven't eaten since I heard the news and I just can't sleep.. which is evidently how I went on google to keep myself occupied and found this website. He has plane ticket bought to come here in feb and I told him I needed time to think about it. I really feel lost.
shootingstar5 shootingstar5 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 27, 2012

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Hi ShootingStar,

Lovely to hear from you and I admire you for your strength and for valuing your own time and other relationships. J'adore Paris! HA HA. When I broke up with my ex, I traveled to Montmartre where Amelie was filmed :)

I was with my ex for almost ten years and just found out he is with someone else so it's kind of brought the bad feelings back, especially as I moved to another country to be with him and I feel like discarded trash. I have my faith thous, so it's getting me through though.

Are you still in France?

It's great to see objectively how you've changed and look back on your writings to understand that you really have moved on and it wasn't so bad.

Take care and best wishes for your future x

I know it was last year but how did things work out? I understood how you felt back then cos I feel this too x

Hi,
Well it did and then it did not. We ended up dating, he came to France and we broke up this November. He changed his mind and said he did not want this relationship, it was too much work. Then changed his mind again. However, I was not willing to be a pingpong ball. I have been single for 5 months now, and it was a lot easier this time to get over the situation . I'm really happy now, and have stopped thinking about a relationship and am spending more time with friends and family. However, I am really sorry that you feel that way and I believe I am in a place where I understand that pain. The best advice I can give you is that it get's better no matter what the outcome of your relationship is. Being with him after what happened was not terrible, and the resentment of his actions did go away. Also, the feelings (heartache ) of breaking up with him, are gone. I have had maybe 3-4 bad days since it happened. I actually have left this site after I wrote this and rereading this I can see how much I have changed as a person since then. I no longer carry this emotional sadness and have accepted that we have both changed as people. I hope you feel better soon, hugs. Just know that if he is not the one, there are many other people who will value you and appreciate you as a person :)

People really don't appreciate me, but I figure that's something I need to change...

I'm going to follow suit and try and focus on other things instead of ennui :P

Best wishes to you x

although almost ten years is hard to emotionally overcome.