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My Story

I am nearly 29 and I haven't used the toilet in over four years. It all started when I was 22, and I found that I was having to go to the bathroom more and more. This lasted for a few months, and them I started bedwetting. It was fine when it was just a little bit occasionally, but when it got to the point where I was soaking the sheets every night, I had to do something. I ordered some adult pull-ups online, and those helped alot. However, one day when I was working from home on a big project, I got tired of getting up every half hour to go to the bathroom, and I slipped one on. I still remember 7:33 P.M on September 28, 2005 as the last time i could control my bladder. From that point on I would literally wet myself if I went without a pull-up. A couple months later, I pooped myself for the first time. I realized that the way things were going, my bowels weren't going to get any better, and I was right. By my 24th birthday, I had completely lost any self-control and the diapers that I had to wear were so bulgy that I was completely limited to wearing sweatpants and skirts. I also wasted some of my best years without much sexual activity. At that point I finally "manned up" and went to my doctor. He told me that some of the muscles that controlled my "functions" had permanently relaxed as a result of some nerve damage I had sustained in a car accident at age 19. He said it was irreversible. But I still did not give up. I enrolled in an online potty training class designed for toddlers. They sent me some pull-ups to track my progress in the field of bedwetting. Every morning I would wake up hopeful, only to find that just one or two of the original 5 stars on my pull-up had disappeared. It was humiliating to see the other four-year-olds in my class had better control than me. After one night in which I wet so heavily that I leaked, I gave up. A few days later I came to the distressing realization that I had all but given up swimming, one of my lifelong passions, for fear of having an "accident" in the pool. My search for adult swim diapers was fruitless, so I ended up ordering some diapers meant for older children. I drove to the pool full of hope. I found a stall, undressed, put on my new diaper and bathing suit, and turned to look myself in the mirror. I sat down and cried. The bulge of my diaper was blatantly visible in my tight-fitting suit. I cried for half an hour, and when I stopped i realized that I had pooped myself without even noticing. I quickly changed back into my street clothes, neglecting to put on the spare diaper I had packed. As I walked through the lobby, I noticed a warm sensation in my crotch, and looked down with horror to see that I had wet myself. To make matters worse, I had been feeling confident enough that morning to wear my favorite blue jeans, which made my accident all the more noticeable. I cried all the way home, and didn't leave my apartment for three days. But I walked out the door that Tuesday with a brand new attitude. I socialized at work, which I had previously been terrified to do in case I got stinky or my diaper made a noticeable crinkle. I even returned to the pool, this time covering up my lower half with my towel until right before I jumped in. The cool water felt great on my vagina, which hadn't been exposed for months (warm water tends to loosen up my bowels, so I had even been wearing plastic pants in the shower). I continued on this path, and eventually found a wonderful understanding guy to marry ( I will admit I peed a little on the altar). He does tease sometimes, but i suppose I kind of bring that upon myself on long car trips ("need to go to the bathroom, honey?"). As for diapers, i found some diapers that are effective for me and can fit under jeans. I even found some swim diaper that are slim enough to fit under a bikini! I still wear the old ones for workouts, though, as the slim ones are not very heavy-duty. I still do sometimes sit on the toilet like I used to and feel proud when I go, and I do allow myself to feel hopeful when I get as much as three stars on my pull-up (I still use the trainers because the company vowed to send them free until I was potty-trained (big mistake), but I have inwardly resigned to the fact that I will be in diapers for the rest of my life. There are some times when I poop now and don't even realize it. The good news is, in four months, I will not be the only diaper-wearer in the house! I guessed I would feel like kind of a hypocrite toilet-training my child, so I delegated that duty to my husband after he declared that I must change all diapers because I am an "expert". My diaper warms for the second time since I started typing, and this time my vagina is not the only culprit, so I must bid you all adieu. For those of you that read this far, I hope you found some kind of hope in reading this message, and if you ever are going through something similar, remember to love yourself, not be emmbarassed, and avoid diaper rash.
SaWinter1999 SaWinter1999 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 21, 2012

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I feel for you but you are lucky to have a caring husband. with my problems I would rather wear a diaper (nappy) than anything else, but is has to be one thats suits best from size and absorbancy. Most I find are not so good and it take a while to find the best for yourself, usually one for day and one for night. I don't have a problem with them anymore I just want comfort and I don't care what people think, it's about me and my needs.
Good luck and best wishes.

Hi: In spite of the fact that I've needed diapers for the last 35 years I still feel awkward when I have to make an appointment with a new Doctor for an exam. It doesn't happen all the time but often enough that I almost dread to here the nurse say "***** down to your shorts and put this on". In my case, my Shorts are pin on cloth diapers and plastic pants. I always change just before an appointment so that I'm dry but that doesn't always work out so I have a back pack that has my computer and a section for my diapers. I've never had any trouble with any of my Doctors but old phobias just never seem to go away.