Now I Know...

I'll admit,i didn't plan it.I didn't plan it down to the minute and lay down on the train tracks and wait....only to chicken out when i ultimately hear the train coming. I was working on another art project. I was cutting paper absently,working on another stencil to send him,when i looked around the room. It was only me there. Everyone else were in the other room connected to this one. They decided to stop after one or two stencils,but i was making my 5th. I looked down at the small,but sharp blade in my hand...it was a random thought...I moved behind the rack where the paintings were drying and i just applied a bit of pressure to my wrist with the knife while holding my breath. just a trickle of blood...without much thought,i pressed the knife to the side of my neck,Holding my breath,nervous that someone would catch me. My hand was shaking as i thought i might go farther than just drawing a little blood...Maybe even making it quick and slicing my neck. But as i thought about, something in the back of my head was nagging me.saying it was wrong.saying it was a bad idea...i wanted to block it out, but i couldn't. It kept saying that he wasn't worth it,i shouldn't do it...At this point my hand was shaking and i was on the verge of tears...This was embarrassing. I didn't know what to do,i was sitting behind a rack of wet paintings about to cry because i didn't know whether to just do it...I couldn't...The bell rang and i wiped my eyes and pulled my sweater sleeve down to hide the small cut on my wrist. I had to shake it off and think about it later...i now know that i dont want to...but i have to.and i can only put it off for so long....