How Time Goes By So Quickly..

today, august 2, 2010, would have marked my fourth year of not pulling. a great accomplishment, i'm sure. too bad i do not know how that feels. when i first found this site last summer i shared my story.. hoping so badly it would help me stop before it was too late. obviously, i have not stopped.. and it has gotten so much worse. i remember the first year that i quit, my 7th grade year, it went by with no flaws.. my hair was grown and i couldn't feel more confident about my hair.. then the second year.. and i knew that things would be great from then on.. i never would;ve thought that only a few short months after that i would begin to pull again, and never experience the third and fourth "anniversary".
today is such a significent day in my life. i wish so badly that it could be celebrated and not frowned upon. the story i shared last year said i hadn't told my parents and i thought i could do it on my own. i was VERY VERY wrong. i still have not stopped, but i have told my parents.. in december of last year. it was my last-ditched effort at finally stopping.
i know of only two things i was sure made me quit my first and last time, telling my parents(seeing the pain they suffered with me), and talking to people who shared the same problem. i've always wanted to help others, and i was able to help them once i stopped.. telling them it is possible.
i know it's possible.. no doubt in my mind. i just don't understand why this time is so much harder. i have stopped a few times since last summer, but the longest i lasted was a week... those were such good days. i felt so much better about myself.. i felt like finally i have myself under control again, FINALLY. so why did i pull again?! why?
i am, however, so thankful that with my age i'm not AS out of control. when i was in fifth grade and pulling it was so bad i had to wear hats to school every single day. now, i just have to wear my hair in a ponytail.. i still couldn't feel more unattractive than ever though. i refuse to talk about my problem.. and i know denial is the worst thing. i just feel like such an idiot for doing this to myself AGAIN. i'm old enough and so much smarter than this. i know i am.. but i don't know how to stop.
today, i have already failed. so once again this will not be a celebration.
but august 3 is a new day.. and come next august 3 of 2011 i want to celebrate it.
xoprincess xoprincess
18-21, F
Aug 2, 2010