It's A Thing, It's A Real Thing!!!!I will never forget the day I learned that it had a name.
Trichotillomania. I love to say it. I love to write it. I hate to have it.
I started pulling when I was 8, I guess.
I didn't really notice until one day my mom grabbed my face and pulled my head in for a closer look.
She said, "Randa rhee, you have a BALD spot on your head, what the hell is wrong with you?"
My fingers seemed to know the way to my hairline, where I could feel a warm, almost slimy patch of skin. I gasped. What the hell IS wrong with me? I guess I knew I pulled out my hair, I didn't realize I had made an ugly bald spot though, and I sure as hell didn't realize it was going to upset my mom.
Well, she was angry somethin' fierce. She told me to stop. She told me she was going to ground me if I gave myself another bald spot. And that was the last time we talked about it until I was 17.
I never stopped pulling. I just knew I had to keep my little fingers moving so I wouldn't make a bald spot. I have incredibly thick hair, which made it WAY too easy to hide all my little spots. If I made too big of a spot, I would part my hair the other way for a few weeks. I have developed 7 cowlicks! Coarse "nappy" grows out of that very first bald spot.
When I was 17 I went through a particularly rough spell of pulling. I gave myself a huge patch all along my part line. I finally realized this can't be normal, there has to be SOMETHING wrong with me. It took me 5 minutes to look everything up online and give this horrible affliction a NAME.
I went flying into my mom's room. "It's a thing, it's a real thing! I'm not crazy, other people have it, its a real thing!!"
"What the hell are you talking about child?"
"Trichotillomania : compulsive hair pulling. results in bald spots."
Well my mom was less than enthused. I received a sort of "oh thats nice, dear" sort of response.
She didn't even care that my whole life I have been struggling with this disorder, trying to hide it from her. She didn't care that there might be treatment, I might be able to stop.
She was kind of mad that I was still pulling my hair.
"Why don't you just stop?"
I'm almost 21 now. I don't talk to anyone about this anymore. A few really close friends know, they think its weird and pretend I don't have it.
The only person who ever tried to help is my ex-boyfriend. He noticed something was up after we started living together, and it was almost a year after that I asked him to help me. I asked him to let me know when I was pulling, or to remind me to stop. It helped so much at first, but it turned into this thing where he would get mad at me, be mean about it, and I would say, "just one more, just one more" "I'll stop in a minute" "why can't you just leave me alone". And so on.
And then our relationship ended (because of other stuff, nothing quite so shallow)
And now here I am. Alone. Hair in hand.
No one on my side.
I want to stop
but I don't.
At least it has a fokken name.