Why Do I Keep Doing This?

These questions always pop into my head daily... Why do i do this to myself? what am i doing this to myself? Why am i ruining the only thing i love about me?

My hair is the only thing i like about myself, even though i am destroying it, ive never really had my father in my life is it because of him? can i blame him for all of this? i dont think i can... can i?...
On the 7th January i have my first appointment with the mental health team for observation day to see were i need to start in my road of recovery. Trich has ruled my life since the age of 4 even though back then i didn't understand for the last few years i have im 20 now that's 16 years of suffering. Funny thing is i never ever put me or my condition first, everything comes before. I pretend everything is okay. i pretend i'm okay. i put on this front so people think i'm stronger and that im getting through this.

Every time i pull i feel the biggest amount of relief i feel better after doing it, obviously i wish i could stop its just hard to control. I do wish everyone did understand all of this, but i don't and cant explain it. My mum goes mad when i pull and tells me i need to stop, yes i know i need to stop if i had my own way i would never have this, but i cant change me just like that this is all i have known all of my life.

I do laugh and joke about my patches if i don't laugh ill cry, but i never know what emotion i am feeling. I don't feel emotions at all i do feel sorry for my partner 10months of being together and ive never really told him i love him, because of everything that goes on in my head, i do love him that's about the only emotion i know how to feel i just don't know how to tell him, its all so complicated.

I wish my life was simple and normal. i wish i didn't have to suffer with this awful thing.
Munchkin1992 Munchkin1992
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 7, 2012

I know its just what we all wish for, i'm finding it really difficult as i don't know anyone with Trich so its actually hard to talk to anyone about... thank you x

No one has life that's simple... We all have afflictions but we can do all things through Christ which strengthens us...please remember that Trich is not the end of the world nor is it the worst thing to deal with. It could be worse. I have dealt for nearly 30 years... Chin up!