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Trapped...lost...alone?

Hi...this is TrappedAbs. I'm not exactly sure how to do this...but it said "share your story" so here it goes...
I have played with my hair since I had hair. Not pulling it, but just twirling it in my fingers and stuff like that. I've always loved the feel of it...but what used to be my favorite thing about me has quickly turned into the thing I hate about me the most...My hair.

I have dealt with Trich since I was...idk, maybe 12. I started to pull out my eyelashes constantly. I remember I was so young, and I wanted free eyelash wishes...So, I pulled them out. It got so bad, I ended up having almost none at one point. My parents took notice, we didn't know about trich, so we just thought it was a phase and eventually I stopped. But that's when I started to pull my eyebrows out. There would be patches of them gone. Again my parents noticed and we waved it off again as some sort of phase. Again, I stopped doing that...That's when it got bad.

I can't remember when I first noticed...maybe it was when I saw that first ball of hair hiding in the corner of my room. Or maybe it was when I noticed a pile of soft hair next to me on my bed. Either way, I realized I had been pulling my hair out. For how long I'm not sure. I didn't think twice about it, I thought it was some phase like my parents always told me. So I never told anyone, just decided to deal with it by myself. However, it kept getting worse, and worse, and worse, until finally my parents caught on and asked me about it.

They first realized when my mom had to cut a significant amount of hair out of the vacuum rollers, and since I was the only one with long dirty blonde hair, it was obvious it was mine. They both confronted me about it, but since none of us knew what it was, we just figured it was a nasty habit I had started, like biting your nails or something. We didn't know what to think.

That's when my life took a huge turn. My boyfriend broke up with me and we moved away from all my friends within the same school semester. I felt like an alone weirdo in the corner of my church. Thankfully I'm homeschooled so I don't have to go through that...but the pain still felt the same at church. That's when I started pulling even more. I did it because it felt good, and I liked seeing the pieces of hair in my hands and the piles on my floor. I didn't realize the damage I was causing myself...until it became obvious.

I was visiting my church back at my old home, and I realized...I had a bald spot on the top of my head...It was cover-able with layers of hair, but moved just right there was a spot anyone could see from 10 feet away. I actually had a few friends notice it...I blamed it on a bug bite I scratched at so much the hair just tore off eventually...lucky for me they bought it.

I got better after a while, made some new friends and got a new boyfriend that loved me like crazy. I even noticed my hair growing back in places I pulled the most. Life seemed PERFECT. But that didn't mean the addiction was completely gone. By this time my mom had made some very detailed research and told me I had Trichotillamaina. I saw a therapist every other week, and we kept my hands busy with anything we could find. I can proudly say I got loads of clunky jewelry and funny feelings toys to keep my hands away from my hair. I felt almost like a dog with chew toys. Never the less they did help a little bit. But then things took a wild turn.

My boyfriend for a year and a half broke up with me, my bestfriend decided that I wasn't good enough anymore and blocked me on facebook for being too "needy". To make everything better my grades in school were dropping and my siblings and I always seemed to fight. I got low, I dated guys I normally wouldn't date and did some shameful things with one of them who wasn't even a boyfriend. More like a FWB kinda thing. He abused me and forced me to do things I'm not proud of. Still to this day I can't even bump into him at church without him bumping into me back 3x as hard. My life felt like hell. I decided to beat myself and starve myself to feel some kind of pain other than emotional. I even cut myself a few times just because the emotional pain was too much and I needed a change.

I did leave the guy that forced me without too much issues and now things seem to be going alright. My friend that I've known since we were both 6 has turned into my Bestfriend. He knows almost everything there is to know about me, and whatever he doesn't, he will know within time. Yes, he knows about my problem. But he doesn't quite understand it, and that's the tricky part.

EVERYONE I tell doesn't get it. NO ONE ELSE is going through this and I have NO idea what to do. My therapist isn't here anymore and frankly I don't like sitting in some woman's office talking to her about my issue that she doesn't even understand herself. I mean once you pull that one hair on your head you suddenly can't stop until there is literally a pile on the floor and you can feel "progress" being done to your head. Actually a better word would be "destruction" instead of "progress", "progress" sounds too happy. I've tried the whole toy thing but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I buy one I NEVER end up using it. And if I do it's not for long, because I have noticed that once I put that stupid thing down my hands go RIGHT BACK to my head and it's just so...frustrating!! I fear I will have to deal with this my whole life...I currently have 2 balding spots on both sides of my head and the top of my head is starting to look kinda patchy too....if ANYONE can relate and help me I would appreciate it x100!!!
-Yours truly, TrappedAbs.
TrappedAbs TrappedAbs 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

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Hi Abigail, I have never had this problem but I think if you wear a ball cap it will reduce the pulling because you can't get to your head.
Hope this helps.:)
Joe

Lol thanks man, my most recent thing I do is wear my hair up with a bandana. everyone thinks it's cute and I love it, seems to help.

That's great!:)

you've been through quite a lot! To me you seem very brave :) And yes I can relate to it as I also have trich.. so i would be happy to talk to you if you need a chat.. im not quite sure how this website works as ive only just joined but you know if there is a message option then please do inbox me :) x

Thank you :) There actually isn't like a chat box...wow right?
and I guess I'm brave, not exactly the word I'd use though. I'd say strong maybe...

Hm that is kinda strange! But yes you are very strong and should keep fighting because eventually you'll stop going round in circles and see life's true beauty. I know that things haven't been great in the past and sometimes its hard to be optimistic.. I should know (!) but yeah you sound like a lovely girl.. I don't know why bad stuff always happens to the nicest people :c life is not fair to say the least x

I totally agree. The more you care the more you get hurt. It's just twisted.

Ps...Sorry for going on and on...