My Trichotillomania Journey

Trichotillomania is a horrible disorder to have. People just stay "why don't you just stop", but it not easy at all. In my case I pull hair from my scalp.
For as long as I remember I was pulling my hair. I guess you can say it began when I was 4 or 5. My mother said she had to cut all the hair off the rocking horse I had because I would pull and eat the hair. She ended up taking me to the doctor because I had some caught in my throat. I know weird, right. I HAVENT ATE HAIR SINCE. As I got a little older I would pull the little nap balls out the back of my hair. From there I started to pull a little of my hair line in the front. I use to not be conscious of pulling most of the time. So in high school I would just be sitting there in class then the next thing I know there is hair all over my desk. And I would just think " what am I doing." It wasn't until a year ago I had pulled just about all my hair from the side of my head to the back of my ear and I had two huge bald spots in the back of my head. At the time my husband worked out of town a lot so he would be gone a week or weeks at a time so he couldn't really see how bad I was pulling until he came home. I remember getting up for work and I had a bandana on my head. When I took it off he notice my bald spots, but he blamed it on the bandana I was wearing. My husband and family knows I do it but we don't talk of it. I think he didn't acknowledge I had done it because he didn't want me to feel bad or he didn't want to believe I did it. After that I cut all my hair off and I stopped for awhile because I had no hair to pull, but I relapsed. So I permed my hair. I thought maybe if I straighten my hair I wouldn't pull as bad. It didn't work. When it started again I cut it all off. I let it grow out into and afro again but it just got worst. I had pulled the sides of my hair back to my ear just about. I pulled spots in the back of my head. Now for the third time I cut my hair off. I'm hoping this will be the last time. I can't stop. Its getting bad. I'm trying so hard, but the trich is winning. I've had a few days where I pull zero to a little and feel so good. Then I have them days where I just pull and pull and feel just so awful. I feel shame and wonder why would god make a freak like me. But God doesn't make mistakes and he doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I don't know why god made me this way but everything happens for a reason. I have prayed and still pray I will stop. Its going to be a long journey but I'm going to make it. I'm really looking forward to talk to people that understand what I'm going through. I also hope it will help me stop. Thank you for taking time to read this.
laquitabonita laquitabonita
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 23, 2013

It's so hard to stop - seems impossible! But we can do all things through Christ and I firmly believe I can stop and so can others like myself. Don't give up!

I enjoyed reading your story! It's so hard when the people around you think that if you really wanted to stop, you could. It's not that easy!! You said God won't give us more than we can handle, and that everything happens for a reason... I completely agree. I hope that God chose me to have trich over someone who wouldn't be able to emotionally handle it. I know there is a plan for me, and I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that trich is goi g to be a part of that plan! It sucks, and it's hard, and I cry over piles of hair daily, but we can do this.....

Thanks for reading, i know what you mean bout it being soo hard. We'll make through slowly but surely :)